diseased

Can you see my sadness? Can you feel my pain..?

I think I'm the most sordid person I know. How is it that everytime no one's around, I fall into depression? Why can't I be happy again?? Why? Why is it that all I manage to achieve is just some temporary high? Happiness to me is something that lasts much longer. A feeling of contentness with Life.

I despise this feeling of lonliness. Although I maybe surrounded by others but that feeling is always there. Pathetic little me.. Read an article the other day about bipolar disorder. Now I'm wondering if I have it.

bipolar disorder, formerly manic-depressive disorder or manic-depression, severe mental disorder involving manic episodes that are usually accompanied by episodes of depression. The term “manic-depression” was introduced by the German psychiatrist Emil Kraepelin in 1896. The manic phase of the disorder is characterized by an abnormally elevated or irritable mood, grandiosity, sleeplessness, extravagance, and a tendency toward irrational judgment. During the depressed phase, the person tends to appear lethargic and withdrawn, shows a lack of concentration, and expresses feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and guilt. This dual character of the disorder has given it the name bipolar disorder, in contrast to the unipolar depression symptomatic of the majority of mood disorders. The symptoms range in intensity and pattern and may not be recognized at first. Individuals suffering from bipolar disorder may have long periods in their lives without episodes of mania or depression, but manic-depressives have the highest suicide rate of any group with a psychological disorder.

- infoplease.com

Bipolar disorder is a condition that causes extreme shifts in mood, energy, and functioning. In most populations it affects around 1 percent of the population. Men and women are equally likely to develop this often-disabling illness. The disorder typically emerges in adolescence or early adulthood and affects sufferers throughout their lifespan. Although traditionally thought of as an adult disorder, there is now recognition that children also suffer from bipolar disorder. There are no definite known causes. Scientists believe that Bipolar Disorder may be caused by a combination of biological and psychological factors. Most commonly the onset of this disorder can be linked to stressful life events. Cycles, or episodes, of depression, mania, or "mixed" manic and depressive symptoms typically recur and may become more frequent, often disrupting work, school, family, and social life. The "kindling" theory suggests that persons who are genetically prone (toward bipolar) experience a series of stressful events, each of which lowers the threshold at which mood changes occur. Then at some point these mood changes occur spontaneously.^[1] The person then "becomes bipolar". This might explain why the cause of bipolar is difficult to pinpoint but is somehow related to genetics and environment.

There is a tendency to romanticize bipolar disorder, especially in artistic circles. Many artists, musicians, and writers have experienced its mood swings, and some credit the condition with their creativity. However, many lives are ruined by this disease, and it is associated with a greatly increased risk of suicide.

- wikipedia.org

Sounds a lot like me. But.. *shrugs* I don't know. How could someone so young already be so unhappy with life? I think the part about the huge mood swings is particularly true to me. I could be happy, cheerful, all joking around one moment, and I could be pissed, depressed, and moody the next.

Maybe I'm only unhappy because I'm too demanding. Could it be that I am so demanding that I am never satisfied causing me to be unhappy about the things I have been given?

Whatever it is, it's no fun. Hmmm.. here's a little secret.. everytime I got to make a wish.. birthday wishes and all that.. I always wished for happiness. Never anything else. And not only for me. For everyone. But I guess that wish won't come true anymore since I just said it out loud. Hmm.

This has been going on for months now.. It has to stop.. and I'm still waiting for it to.. but when?

Sigh. Lonely, sad, depressed, angry.. in dire need of a hug.. from someone who understands why they're giving me one. How I miss the feeling of security when I'm in someone's arms. Hug me?

What a bloody crap entry this one is.