suprise

I've been working on something for myself.

Getting pretty proud of it.

I LOVE DESIGNING.

Hopefully, I'll be able to unveil it on time for all to see.

HEE!

I'm so dumb lah.

what a perfectionist is

HAHAHA! My blog is now a dump site.

That was a sarcastic laugh if you couldn't catch it, by the way.

Eventhough this blog is a place for whatever I want.. I feel so... disgusted by it.

It doesn't give me pleasure to be writing things out for the world to see anymore.

It gives me no satisfaction. I'm never satisfied by the things I churn out anymore.

Oh fucking hell. I've gotten boring.

Yup, that's the likeliest reason for all this. Likeliest, is there such a word? :-/

It's cos I've grown boring AND also because I've become very anti-social.

I've noticed that I've shyed away from so many people. I don't get to see a lot of people as much.

I haven't even ordered a single thing from the cafeteria this whole semester. Can't say that I haven't gone there. I have. But maybe just once. Or twice. But twice at most.

But I digress.

How does becoming anti-social affect anything? Well, for one, I have less to talk about.

I don't get inspired as often.

My grasp on the english language is loosening.

But just cos I've gone all anti-social on everyone doesn't mean that I meant to do it. It's just that whole depression thing.

Fact of the matter is, I've gone dull.

[insert sad, emo, depressed, yet content enough smiley here]

Such a sad life. I pity myself a lot.

when pictures and text don't match

I wonder how many girls would be able to survive in a relationship like mine.

Not many, I would say.

Not that I'm not happy. I am. It's just that sometimes, it's hard to believe he loves you when you're playing around all the time.

This may sound cruel.. but I once said, "Other girls my age would probably have dates, I have play dates."

At least I'm making up for when I was younger. I never got to have play dates back then.

But yes, it does get tiring after awhile. Sometimes you just want to sit and talk about anything, everything but he doesn't get it.

I don't know why. I wonder if maybe he's afraid? Does he not really love me? But... truth be told.. I've trusted him to tell the truth all this while.

All this eight months of being together. Haha.. It really was nice for once not to argue, not to fight. Maybe it's cos we've moving slow. Maybe that's why there's no more drama. We rarely fight. When I say rarely, I mean it.

I always thought that if you loved another person, you would constantly bicker, argue, and fight because you would care so much for that other person that even the slightest thing would bother you.

However, this time.. it's different. Sometimes it does make me doubt myself. Do I really love him? Maybe it's just an inflatuation. Like what I thought it was supposed to be.

But yeah, I do. I hope he does too.

I do care about him. I worry sometimes, but I trust him enough to take care of himself. Maybe I didn't really trust my old boyfriends when I thought I did. That's why I was always at my wits end.. very easily jealous.

This love thing is really hard to figure out. As simple as it seems.

How ironic is it that the song, Nothin' Bout Love Makes Sense by Leann Rimmes just came on?

documented dream #2

YEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Hello doesn't seem to want to work, and cos of that, I can't upload any of my own pictures!! WHY?!

Eh, wait... lemme try something first...

Okay.. it's not working. Probably cos of the connection lately. Grr.

I'm hyper tonight. Don't ask. I'm full of energy. With nothing to waste it on. I guess it kinda explains my longing for the great outdoors.

Ah.. such bliss as I daydreamed about going kayaking in the clear cool pebble filled rivers in Kuching.. hiking up Mount Kinabalu.. island hopping in Sabah and also snorkeling in the clear blue waters with the fishes.. or go 4WD driving in some totally muddy place, getting mud all over the car, as well as self when one has to go out to tie rope to trees or rocks to sometimes help the car out of some really sticky mud. Ahhhh.... that would be so nice. Or maybe going mountain biking? Yeah.. I haven't riden my bike in a long long while. That would've been fantastic.

I miss the outdoors.

I can hear some of you screaming as I said that. Muahahaha.



My Dream Last Night

It was seriously VERY weird. As always.

I started out in the middle of nowhere where there were only rolling hills around me. Guess where I was... Soon Hup Villa! Yeah, like, what the? Out of all the places.. Soon Hup Villa! And more so.. why?! That's really a picture of Soon Hup Villa right there.

Then I got a call on my cell from Nadia, Mimin's sister. Eh? Since when does she ever call me? And she's asking me to tell Derek that she can't make it to see him and she gave me his gaming nick so that I could find him more easily. While I was on the phone, I was thinking like, "How the heck does Nadia know Derek??" Jealous. Lol!

So I went up this dirt path that was up a small hill and I saw people walking up and down that hill dressed like characters from Unreal Tournament. Ah.. that explains the gaming nick. But how am I supposed to find him when they're all covered up in their armour. Oh yes.. the gaming nick!

So in my dream, I thought of pressing on my Enter key which then opened up a message box, and shouted for Derek.

---------------
SHOUT: *derek's_nickname* !! Where are you??!
---------------

Then I see Derek exiting through a portal that's located atop the hill. Then he comes down and greets me, "Kim! What are you doing here??" Then I explain that Nadia can't make it to see him and he's all like, "It's ok. I know." Leaving me wondering what kinda relationship these two are having. Hmmmm.

In real life, I doubt they even know each other.. so yeah, in my dream, (since I can't tell the difference from my dreams and reality) I'm mighty confused. We walked down to the bottom of the hill where we met up with Mimin.

Now we're all at an outdoor public pool. Derek, Mimin, and me. And we're all standing under one of those diving platforms under the shade, taking pictures of ourselves. Yeah... we still got enough time to camwhore in my dream. Haha.

Then I'm in a school. Not like one of the schools here where when we exit our classrooms we're all outside, under the sun, if there was no walkway provided. But I'm in one of those american high schools, with hallways and stairs and several floors. I'm in some girl's dorm room. I think she's my friend. This school is pretty dim.. it's a bit scary. My "friend" gets up and walks out of her room into the hallway. I follow her. She then enters another room. The room in which we entered looks big. It had a dirty yellow carpet on the floor. My friend goes to sit down on one of the chairs. The place looked like a waiting area.


After awhile, my friend gets called up. I watched her walk by me and I realised that this place was a massage sorta place. A massage place right here in the school's dormitory?? I noticed that the other girls in this room had children with them.. babies. And that they were the ones massaging the people that came in to see them. They were one of those girls that probably got pregnant as a teenager, so they put them in here, so that the school's name would not be ruined. And then after they've given birth, they continue to stay here working as massage ladies.

Oh, what an awful life. This school is evil! They don't even let these girls out that very door we entered to get in here. Tsk tsk.. Btw, I sat down on the carpet and was playing with one of their babies when it pee'ed on me. Ew.

Now I'm at some hotel with my family. We're all staying in a room together. I suppose we're on holiday here. But I'm alone on a balcony which is accessible to the public. So I was there looking out onto the sea when suddenly Jimmy (the one in a hat in the picture), one of the characters from Yes, Dear comes barging out from the balcony door all in a panic, I turn about around to look at the sea and I see humongous waves coming in to the shore.

A tsunami? "Jimmy" was holding onto the door handle tight and I quickly hung onto him or sorta piggybacked him. Haha. The wave swept into the balcony and for a few seconds we were underwater, when the wave went back out again, I climbed over him and this time, I was the one holding on to the door handle with Jimmy hanging on to my waist, as the water swept over us again. When the wave was swept out, I opened the door, ran into the carpeted hallway to Jimmy's room.

Why his room? Cos he works in that hotel. And cos he works in that hotel, he gets to have watertight doors to his room. Like one of those doors you find on a submarine. So we dash in and he tells me that we could stay there whilst the tsunami is still going on. It's safe in his room cos even the windows he had were many inches thick.

I could see that his place was not very well kept. He tells me it's cos his wife is off with the kids visiting the grandmother. How long have they been gone? Only since this morning. Dude.

My family piles through the door after a few minutes together with Jimmy's wife and kids. So we spent pretty much a day or two together with them. It was ok. The place was pretty big. With bedrooms and bathrooms and a kitchen and a dining room and a living room and a tv room. Not bad...

-End of Dream-

smiles

Were they ever real?

jump frog

Blogging cos I don't wanna see Stef's face right there when I load up my blog anymore. Hahahahahahaa.

I'm bad at drawing. Anyways.



Hehehe. That's cos I'm having a slight headache at the moment. Also cos a picture of me is better than one of Stef's anyday. Lol. Kidding.

This is really bad. I've never had writer's block that has ever lasted this long before.

I think I'm at a point in my life where there is no drama. There is nothing to rant, rave, or bitch about. No thoughts worth mentioning. Honestly, it feels... really odd.

I still remember my cousin saying to me once, "Your life is so interesting lah."

And my friend exclaiming to me, "Why ah your life so full of drama wan??"

That was years ago. And now things have settled down. No dramas. No fighting. No wars. No juicy gossips. No adventures. No lies. Sounds really boring, doesn't it?

But certainly that's all I've been wanting all those previous years, no? No dramas. That's all I ever asked for. A break from everything. But right now I still feel as broken down as ever.

I think I'm most alive when I'm doing something that I'm not supposed to. Isn't everyone anyway?

Maybe that's why I'm suddenly acting as if I've overdosed on itchy fingers. You know, where you just HAVE to touch or meddle around with something? Either that, or I'm starting to develop a tendency to be slightly OCDic. Hehehe. You pronouce OCDic like Oh-See-Dick. Got that? Good.

My brother and I were at a computer store in Boulevard earlier today where I managed to *ahem* crash one of their computers. Ahahahahaa!

I don't think anyone noticed though. I still had enough time to mess around with another one of their computers after that. Lol!!

L.O.L.
Which stands for Laughing Out Loud. There used to be a time when I was so completely annoyed by that abbreviation and now I'm using it like it's no big deal. I don't even notice that I type it sometimes.

I used to go, "Why can't these people just type out HAHAHA instead of LOLing away? Can anyone be so lazy?"

Answer is Yes, of course. I'm one of the laziest people I know. If not laziest. Honestly. But it's not a good habit.. very very bad habit, in fact. I think someone taught me to go, "Ah, malas lah!" once before which made it seem like it's OK to act this way.

I disgust myself.

OK, confirm got ADD too!!

a long winded dream topped with a raccoon

There's really no running from the bad dreams that come to haunt me every night.

My dreams always seem so real that what if whatever that guy said was true? I don't remember who was the one who said that maybe our dreams is really the real world. Some philosopher dude, I guess. That maybe the real world is not the one we're living here. It's the one we live in our dreams.

But then again, that can't be true. Cos if the real world is our dream world, why is it that it's so random and so different and it seems like you're never in the same place in every dream?

Maybe then, the real world in which we live in only exists so that we don't start going crazy from our dreams. This is like, a little break time.

What was my dream last night? I dreamt I was in an auditorium, on a stage which was made of wood, red drapes, red curtains, I'm standing in the middle of he stage, the spotlight is on me. I can't see anything else because of the light shining into my eyes. Suddenly, I'm watching myself from off the stage. I'm trying to peer out by shading the lights with my hand. Then this strange light shines down on me and I just vanished.

I was thrown into this really odd land where I was left in a field. Everything is oh-so-green. Along the sides of the field I could see a forest. I tried walking towards it, but it seems as though as much as I walk or run, I don't seem to be getting anywhere, yet I know that I've made one round around this world already.

Then all of a sudden, I see a gravel path in front of me, and when I turn around, there was this glass, 80's styled building. I'm inside the building looking out onto the gravel path when this golf cart usually used to bring tourists around in groups pulled up. On it was Azie, Azie's mom, and Azie's aunt who were all the tour guides. I could tell from what they were wearing.

Not the usual tourist clothes but totally glammed outfits of velvet, spaghetti straps, heels, etc. I watched as they came into the glass house where the tourists started looking around and I'm trying to get Azie's attention. She was fussing around with a shawl and cursing the management for making her wear what she was wearing.

Then everyone vanished. I'm left alone again in the glass house where I spotted a box that is usually used for storing cake on one of the tables there. I knew that it belonged to Azie but since they all left, I thought it would be ok if I ate whatever was inside. I walked over to where it was, picked the box up, and opened it. What I saw inside where three worm-like looking things which were covered with frosting. But they were pastry.

So, I ate them!

Then suddenly the dream changed and I'm at someone's wedding. I had a camera in my hands. I was in this glass building, probably on the second floor, and I was looking out at another glass building across the street. I see this bride and groom coming out with the groom carrying the bride in his arms. I bring up my camera to take a video of them but looking through the LCD screen of my camera, I see clouds instead, like I'm in a plane looking out.

Huh??? Clouds?! was what ran through my mind. I put down my camera and looked out, and yeps, I felt like I'm in a plane that's up in the air, looking out. Only that the window is not that tiny small oval thing you usually get in planes but it's that huge glass paned windows you get on buildings. But guess what, I am still in that glass paned building.

I look up to the sky and I see two figures that seem to be falling, and quick. One figure was clad in white and the other in black. That's when I realised that those two were the bride and groom! What are they doing skydiving?! But it was so cool. I started video'ing their fall. Heh.. doesn't sound like a good sign for their marriage, does it? :P

Not only were they skydiving, they were both also doing those skydiving stunts? I don't know what to call them. So cool!! And the view from the building seems to be falling at the same rate as their fall so I could video them throughout their whole flight. Suddenly we're back to the proper level we were at before, and now looking out through the window, I could see the eiffel tower right in front of the building!

I was afraid that the bride/groom might fall on it, but it's a good thing they didn't. I video'ed them from down below and they were still doing their stunts. Turning this way and that. They must be the coolest couple ever. They landed. They were now in the same building I was in, I see them coming up the stairs and then heading into the ballroom where the wedding dinner was to be held.

Oh! When they came up the stairs, well, you know how brides usually have the long train? This couple, well, they both had trains which were of the same length. The groom's train came from his coat. The way that they both had trains which were of the same length kinda signified, to me anyway, that they were both equal in their relationship and that they had the utmost respect for one another.

Wah. My dreams are so philosophical too. Teehee.

I turned around to go to the bathroom and the sitting on the carpeted floor was Ian who said I needed a ticket to use the bathroom which he was selling, of course. I decided then not to go to the bathroom. Hahaha. Not that I was a cheapskate, but cos I didn't feel like it anymore.

-End of Dream-

PS. I woke up with a need to use the toilet. I think it's those "worms" I ate from Azie's cake box. Damn.

Heh heh.. yes, I coloured another. I used the word coloured cos this was the first one I actually drew.

the raccoons are getting lazy

Look at what I drew today!

Isn't it just so cute?! Mark and I were just talking on the phone about raccoons harassing people with tasers the other night and how we should probably draw them. Cos I dunno... no one really draws raccoons which makes raccoons really deprived creatures.

Anyways, it was a really quick sketch done by ink and then scanned into the computer and coloured using photoshop. Very simple baby stuff. Wanted to try do the lining using photoshop but I just lost the patience because it didn't come out as I wanted it to.

Mark was saying that we should probably start up our own t-shirt design company so that we can have this kinda stuff printed out on shirts and sell them to people. But I don't think anyone would like a shirt with raccoons on them because raccoons are ugly.

And evil.

Eeeeeeh, no, wait. MY drawings are ugly, and Mark's just evil.

I don't like raccoons much. They're scary. Just like the one with the taser above.

Lol. And I just learnt that taser is spelt with an 'S' and not a 'Z'. Haha. Silly me.

i can't even dance

Orson - No Tomorrow


Artist: Orson
Title: No Tomorrow
Album: Bright Idea
Year: 2006

Let's go to a rave,
And behave like we're trippin'
Simply 'cause we're so in love.

Funny hats, shiny pants,
All we need for some romance,
Go get dolled-up
And I'll pick you up.

There's no line for you and me
'Cause tonight we're V.I.P.
(I know somebody at the door).

I see that twinkle in your eye,
You shake that ass and I just die,
Let's check our coats and move out to the floor.

When I'm dancing with you
Tomorrow doesn't matter.
Turn that music up
'Till the windows start to shatter
'Cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet.
And I can't even dance.

Just look at me, Silly Me,
I'm as happy as can be,
I got a girl who thinks I rock.
And tomorrow there's no school,
So lets go drink some more Red Bull,
And not get home 'till about six o'clock

When I'm dancing with you
Tomorrow doesn't matter.
Turn that music up
'Till the windows start to shatter
'Cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet.
And I can't even dance.

Everybody here is staring
At the outfit that you're wearing.
(I) Love it when they check you out.
Cover's only twenty bucks,
And even if the dj sucks
It's time to turn this mutha out!

When we're together,
We're together,
There's no tomorrow,
No Tomorrow.
When we're together
There's no one in the world
but you and me.
Just you and me.
You and me.

Download the song here.

I know I just wrote an entry just like this one for my previous entry but!!!! This song is just oh-so-sexy. And I just wanna share this song with everyone. Lol. I love it. So so should you.

Wanna dance?

what hurts the most

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most


Artist: Rascal Flatts
Title: What Hurts the Most
Album: Me and My Gang
Year: 2006

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Download the song here.

please forgive my broken soul

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	High

How much of a sinner are you?

if i'm gonna break my hiatus

... I may as well make sure that it's been smashed into a million pieces.

Which also reminds me that my brother broke a plate today. XD

And since I mentioned my brother.. I'll just mention something that he mentioned today. He said that I should probably start producing apple pies for whales to eat.
(I mentioned the word mention 3! No, 4.... 5! 5 times.)


I love the ninja's apple pies.

In other words, in case you can't watch the video I linked to and posted up, the all powerful and wise ninja of AskaNinja.com was explaining what podcasting was. Basically, he said that podcasting was like a factory which produces apple pies to feed whales. :-/ Cos whales swim in pods. Ahahahahaha.

I love that ninja.

Anyways, back to what I was saying.. oh yeah, my brother said that I should start podcasting after I was telling him and my cousin another one of my bizarre dreams. He said I should cos my dreams are always so weird and I'm lucky enough to remember them, at times. My cousin said that my dreams always sound like novels. Haha. In the sense that there's a story, I guess.

But my dreams are really weird and random, I have to say. They seem to be more bizarre than those normal dreams that other people have. But maybe that's only cos most people don't remember their dreams. Hehe. I used to not be able to remember my dreams as soon as I got up too but lately, I've been having really disturbing dreams, which I guess helps me remember them.

Yes yes, problems sleeping. Another reason why I'm depressed.
Lack of sleep = emotionally and physically drained = lethargy attacks = depressing.

But if I started podcasting..

1. I would seem to be blogging for fame, no? And I don't want to be blogging for fame. For I am not. If not, I would've long done something better for this blog and all the entries I write would be written only to please. But if fame was acquired in an unintentional way, then it's alright. I just don't want to seem to be advertising myself.
2. Everyone would get to hear my very weird voice. Well, I think it's weird. Not just weird, I find my own voice really annoying. I even made Mark hang up and call me again the other day cos there was something wrong with the line which made me able to hear my own voice as well as his. Gawd, I'm so annoying.
3. I talk funny too. Not only do I have a weird voice, I talk weird with an odd accent. It gets especially bad if I started speaking something other than english.
4. No one really wants to hear it, do they?
5. I'm no good at storytelling.

But I would really like to have a way to record my dreams.. and podcasting does sound really interesting.. It would be nice to recall again what dreams I've dreamt. Hehe. I'm still very much a dreamer, after all.

never been less inspired

Depression is chronic. =)

Okay, so it's nothing to be smiling about but what else can you do when you're in that state other than to try your best to smile it away?

Been feeling that way again for quite awhile now. It's not just cos of one thing that's making me feel the way I do. It's more like quite a number of things. Little things and big things which all add up and makes me feel like turning back into a fetus or something and going back in my mom's womb?

In other words, I wish so much that I was able to manipulate time. If I could, I'd definitely be the coolest kid in class.

So much for a blogging hiatus.

blogging hiatus

I've lost the drive to blog!!

I'm back from Kuching. I'll blog about that trip next time.

Guess what! Today.. I talked to my shampoo boy!! Wait a sec.. does the term "shampoo boy" mean anything bad? Oh well.

Well, you see.. everytime I go to get my hair washed at a nearby hair saloon, I would always get this one guy who would shampoo my hair. And it's always by this guy. I dunno if it's cos he's the only one who does all the shampooing around there but hey, I'm not complaining.

Anyways, back to what I was saying, today we talked. Amazing. In between my bad malay, and his bad english, we made small talk. Cool. Never talked to him before. Not that I got a crush on him or whatever. But it's just that I've always felt slightly uncomfortable with the fact that neither of us really said anything. Or was it just me who never said anything and just nodded and stuff? Hehe.

Yes, my dear friends, I'm still as shy as ever. It took me this long (months) just to attempt to keep a conversation going. Yay me.

I don't know what's gotten into me. I don't know why I suddenly feel like I've run out of things to blog about. Right now, I'm just blogging out of boredom. I've run out of things to do. Oh no, I'm just trying to entertain myself.

Truth be told, although I've lost the will to actually blog, I've been writing here in the offline world. Doing things old school by writing in my notebooks my thoughts, my experiences, feelings. It felt good. Honestly, being able to write things out as they happen.. I don't get to do that if I'm left to make a mental note to myself that I should blog about it. Cos then I'll only just forget about it. Or get lazy. Haha.

But! I'm just here to say that my blog's not dead. Let's just say that it's on hiatus right now.

But... I have to say... blogging right now... blogging again... might just revive it sooner than I thought. =)

gawai wishes from kuching

I'm in Kuching and I'm typing this out on the hotel computer where they're charging me 10 ringgit an hour to use the pc. So I have to make this quick.

First of all, Happy Gawai to everyone. Hope you're all having fun getting drunk on tuak and all. :P

Secondly, I really wanna come home. I don't feel like myself here. I feel like I'm living a double life. It's not right. Do you believe in karma? I do. And I believe that a lot of bad things are gonna start happening to me very soon.

I hope you're all happy and glad and merry and not sad. (Was trying to rhyme, very lame of me to do so)

Know what, maybe the next time I come here, I'll bring Mark. I need someone around who will keep me grounded. I do believe now that I can so totally be a horrible person if I wanted to. I could be very self-destructive. I am capable of all that. At least, here, I am. Here, where there isn't anyone to keep me in check. Where there is no one I feel I could talk to.

Why.. because I feel like I've been cut off from the world. From my friends. And put someplace where temptation stays lurking in every corner. These are just thoughts. Here I am myself by day.. at night, I'm a completely different person.

I think this is the first time in a very long while that I've been so emotionally honest in my blog.

I'm tired. I'm starting to hate myself.

I'm not tired as in sleepy kinda tired.. I can't be anymore. My sleeping pattern's been so messed up ever since I got here. I'm too awake. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to go back to doing what I've been doing the past few nights here. It's not right. I don't like it. It's not me.

Actually.. no.. wait.. yes, what I did is not right.

Maybe I gotta just go lie down and quit being so emo. I'll explain later when I'm not so.. emo. But maybe by the time I've calmed down, I probably won't feel like talking about it anymore.

It's almost been an hour. Later then, aye? =)