this little girl only wants her picnic

You can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.

- The Vines (Outkast Cover)

It keeps raining on my picnics lately. You know that feeling for disappointment when things don't work out they way they're supposed to?

Even when the weather promises you that it would be good the next day and reassures you that your picnic would turn out just fine.

"No worries," says the weather, "It'd be great. You'll have your sun tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Then you wake up the next day, and it's a cloudy day out. Oh well, it's still early.. you only wanted to have the picnic in the evening anyway. Maybe the clouds would go away soon and you'll see the sun again. Besides, the weather promised, didn't he?

Then you wait.. and wait.. and wait.. pretty soon it starts raining. You're confused. But still, you wait. You have faith that the weather would keep his word.

Eventually, you gently remind the weather about your little deal with him.

The weather smacks his head and just goes, "I'm sorry, I forgot."

Forgot.. what did he mean by that? Did he forget about me?

"Something came up and it had to rain today. I'm sorry."

And he couldn't care enough to tell me first instead of me having to remind him?

To have so much faith.. that someone would keep his word.. even after all the other failed picnics.. was I right in doing so?

I must be just a little girl. Only little girls are able to have such unwiltering faith and belief in someone because they have not been as affected by people, by the world as those who have lived in it a longer time. They are naive and trustful.

So I'm just a little girl, making a wish to see the sun again after several days of rain. So that I can have my picnic and everyone would be happy.

In trusting someone's words even after he's forgotten several times before. Believing that maybe this one time, he'll remember.

It's hurtful, isn't it.

dreams and something for everyone

For the past few nights I've been having this recurring dream where either Mark breaks up with me or Mark's already broken up with me.

I wonder if it should mean anything.

But seriously, this dream is making sleeping harder to do.

PS. Thanks everyone for the support. =)

giving it one big heavy sigh

I'm being forced to blog. Not that it's that bad a thing, really. I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time now.

I've noticed that gradually, over time, my blog entries are beginning to lose it's substance.

I do apologise. In all honesty, I am appalled by my blog. I find no satisfaction in blogging anymore.

I find myself holding back more and more. Afraid of what people may think. Should I have any adventures and wrote about them, what do people think of me then? I don't want people thinking I'm reckless. But wait. Maybe I do. I'm confused.

I do not like having to hold back these thoughts, these feelings, these experiences. I want to be as brutally honest as I possibly can without having to hurt anyone. But most of all, I want to share.

I want people to feel what I felt. But due to my lack of skills in the language department, I can't do that. I remember blogging about why I blog and now I feel like a hypocrite.

Why.

All those things I said about writing about experiences, about things I go through, about being honest.. about not holding back.. Well, guess what I am doing now? Am I maybe too afraid of what people would think? Is it because a lot more people read my blog now as compared to before? Have people succeeded in making me believe that maybe my entries are too personal for public viewing?

(Damn, I sound like one of those effing tv show narators at the end of a show. Eg. Batman)

Another reason could be that I'm afraid of grossing everyone out with my mushiness.. scaring everyone with my depression.. angering certain someones with my outbursts.. and all that jazz. Think you can handle it? I also know that sometimes.. it can be a tad bit overbearing, if a person keeps on going on about one thing for such a very long time. Let's say I start only blogging about my relationship with Mark. I'm sure all of you are gonna get all so sick and tired and would probably throw up on me the next time you see me walking down the street.

Which brings me to another thing. I know I'm long winded. It takes me awhile to get to the point at times. That's why some of my previous entries were so long as compared to my more recent entries where I only type a few sentences and end the entry.

You know, I'm pissing myself off because my blog is starting to contain more useless entries with pictures which are pretty useless as well (such as this one right here) and less thought provoking entries or sometimes just entries which makes you feel good.

So the question now is, what do I do from here now on?

feeling jumpy

I do believe that when one attempts to watch porn or surf adult sites in the presence of family, the person tends to looks over his/her shoulder a lot and starts getting a little jumpy. Not from the porn/adult sites, but from the fear of being discovered by his parents or whoever that disapproves of the act.

You know what, I feel that way too.

Except that I don't watch porn/surf adult sites.

I look at cars online.

Oh gawd. I'm weird.

welcome back, old friend

You know something's wrong when your friends worry about you when your bf shrugs his shoulders and make believes that you are alright.

You know something's wrong when you can't carry on having a serious conversation with your bf because he just can't keep up and keeps making fun out of everything you're saying.

You know something's wrong when you feel sad and empty and hurt and your bf just isn't able to get it from the look on your face, the sound of your voice, the tremble in your heart.

You know something's wrong when you are second to everything else. You're last.

You know you shouldn't expect too much.

You know.. I'm hurt again.

i can't believe i'm letting myself go through this again

Mark just cheered me up. Loads. *hugs self* (cos sadly, there's not one here to hug)

Just got off the phone with him. Told him about something that was upsetting me.

I feel sorry about making him no longer sleepy though. Cos he was sleepy right before he called me and was only calling to say goodnight. But I guess he made the mistake of asking me how I was doing.

So I told him that I didn't have too great a day because of something that shall remain confidential.

So he went, "Why did you have to tell me this.. now I won't be able to get to bed. Cos now I'm all upset. Your fault lah."

"Why are you all upset then?"

"Cos you're upset so now I'm upset. And I hate it when people make you upset."

I'm falling..

this entry is filled with slangs

Don't worry. Eventhough I've written a whole friggin long entry on one of my exs doesn't mean I love Mark any less. You should know that if you read the whole entry properly anyways. Hehe.

Speaking of which, my poor baby is going through a bit of a mid-life crisis. And he's only 22. -_-"

Who knows my boyfriend was so in demand. Hee. I'm not at liberty to say what's going on. It's his deal and I have no right to blab it all out here.

Anyways, he's coming back this weekend! Yay. Peace out.

ghost of years past

Earlier on tonight, as I logged into MSN Messenger, I got a little suprise. Someone from my past has added me on MSN. How odd. I approved the offer and checking to see if he was online, I decided to go online so that I may talk to him.

(Let's hope he never reads this entry, aite? So don't none of you go telling him either)

So, I greeted him with a "Hello! So, you're still alive, eh?" I know. Seems so rude, doesn't it? But I should think that he would be able to take the joke since he should know how rarely we ever meet/talk/chat/email/keep in touch. Here's how it's been for the past few years, he disappears to some foreign country, or sometimes even in the same country just very far away, and then he suddenly smses me. Then after that he disappears again, to some other faraway place. Then I suddenly meet him online. Then, *poof!* Then, whoa, an email! Which of course, after replying, I won't ever get a reply from him back. That's ok. It's expected. Then what's this? Phone call. Oh, yes, so very nice to hear from you again, etc. (I'm not being condesending) Then disappear.

He would always always be sure to have disappeared for a couple of months before suprising me by showing up one way or another. It's a really weird relationship.

Who is he? He was my first boyfriend. Whom I had the longest relationship with, suprisingly. Believe it or not, when I was with him, or not, cos sometimes I wasn't sure if I was or not.. because our relationship was also like what I described earlier. It wasn't always like that though. When we first started out, we met every break. Yes yes, this was back in secondary school.

But after he left school and left to Kuching, I started hearing from him less and less. Until one day, when he finally called me (I could never call him, he never had a number), I told him that it was over. Not because of the strain of the relationship. Okay, this is gonna make me sound really horrid. The relationship wasn't stressful or anything else of the sort and that was because I didn't have any feelings for him. I broke it off after meeting someone else.

But maybe back then, I thought it could be something. But how was I to know? I remember only getting together with him out of curiosity. He was my first remember? I just wanted to know what it was like to be with someone. But growing up, learning, I've come to realise that it wasn't love.

So how come he still felt something? How can he still regret ever breaking up? Cos when I think about it, I've no idea what was so special. Sure, he sang to me, he played his guitar, he serenated me, but that's just about the most romantic thing about the whole relationship. I still remember that he's got a good voice though. =) Maybe that was the thing that created the illusion of love. You know how girls manage to fall head over heels for musicians. He was talented. So that made it easier to fall. Haha.

But yes, that's just about it. My parents rarely let me out of the house. So we never spent much time with each other than in school. I don't feel like we really connected with each other. We both had different interests. Sometimes when he talked, I only pretended to be interested. Only cos I thought that as a girlfriend, it was my responsibility to do so. Listen.

Then after chatting tonight, he says that I was his first love. I don't know.. but I really can't believe the things he says. He suprised me that he was still able to recall my email address after all these years.. he suprised me when he recited my full name. He suprised me when he recalled a song that was somewhat special to the both of us. (Which I myself isn't too sure about) What he hell is going on?

He says that what we had was special.. I didn't have the heart to tell him that that for me, it was so far from that. So far from being special. I thought he had only gotten with me cos of a stupid bet he made with his friends. Like some plot from some chick flick. The bad popular guy pretending to like this geeky girl who has problems making friends. But apparently, his friends only made that bet with him after he told them that he wanted to ask me out. Apparently, his friends thought I was someone who was tough to get together with.

Which was true!!! I don't know how many times I turned him down. But he never gave up. I admired his persistance and finally gave in. Though I've no idea what the motivation behind it was.

That aside. I'm feeling very bad and guilty. Confused. So many unanswered questions. Like how is it that he is able to still feel that way towards me when even back then, I already felt that something was wrong. Was he always true in our relationship? He says he was but him being the well known bad guy, I always felt otherwise. Not that I minded. I said it already. It was nothing. Sigh. Not really nothing. I'm not that cruel. I'm glad to hear from him again. It's good to know that he's doing well. But him just showing up every few months like this is really making me curious to know what really happens during those few months.

I wish I knew the truth. I wish I could know if he could be trusted. I try, but I just can't trust him. Too many things I've yet to know.

I don't think there's anyone right now who's so much more of a mystery than this guy.

He is the biggest question mark in my life.

i cleaned out my closet

I'm so proud of myself!

*grin*

getting back with friendster

After the many months of ignoring and stubbornly refusing to log into friendster, I logged in.

GASP!!

I don't quite remember why I stopped using friendster except maybe I was too busy to ever check it. Or it could've been because of the barrage of messages and friends requests that I got every single day. Yeah, the barrage of incoming messages, etc. was really overwhelming. Not to mention a tad bit scary. And up to now, I still have no idea why it happened.

So, it was either that, or I was too depressed. Back when I was still hung over my ex (blah!) I know I couldn't even log into friendster cos I knew that that was where we first met. Uh-huh.. lame, I know. Plus, everytime I logged in, I couldn't help but to check up his friendster profile which only inflicted more hurt after seeing that he's deleted all our pictures and that he's instead put up tonnes of him with other girls. Geram!!

Anyways, lately I've been updating my friendster profile. Or at least, trying to. Not quite done yet. But I'm still avoiding the messages and the friends requests bit. Ha ha. But I've managed to sort through all the testimonials that I didn't get to approve. Deleted some. Yups. And approved a few more. Those that I didn't mind much anyways.

I even managed to conjure up a little GIF image after wondering to myself why all those people tried to add me and who these people were and if I knew them or not. Anyways, yes, I got sidelined to Photoshop, again. And here it is! I mean, what's the point of making all these animated gifs if I'm not gonna share it with everyone else, right?

Sorry cos it might take awhile to load. Bear with me. And forgive my lameness.

shit happened today

Today was not a very good day. Sorta got into a car accident. Nothing major. Just some really minor accident. My car's rear right door is now slightly dented and scratched. How did it happen? Basically, some guy backed his van into my car without even checking his mirrors first. So yeah, his fault. Not mine.

I don't want to discuss that matter any further. Cos it basically ruined my day. Of course, dad is pissed at me. Sigh.

Fucking Miri drivers.

All I remember is my dad and that old man arguing and me having to turn away when the tears started falling. I hate people fighting and arguing. I don't know why.. but it gets to me, a lot.

After it was all over and the guy left and just before my dad drove away back home, I was sitting in my car when my dad came up, opened the door and said to me about having to be a defensive driver and that he doesn't care who is wrong and who is right in this case. I wonder why is that the only times I get to hear my dad speak are times such as these.

I cried while he was saying all that. I couldn't help it as much as I tried to hold it back. I tried biting my lip, looking away, just to hold it back. Didn't work. It's almost as if, ever since that accident happened up till then, I've been holding back all my emotions as much as I could. And finally it all came out. I was innocent but still felt guilty. I'm sorry.

I know I'm a defensive driver. It's just that he rarely gets to see me drive. Sigh. Even when you're a defensive driver, you know, shit happens. And it happened to me today.

Mark was such a sweetheart to call me up from work to say some reassuring words when I was a crying mess.

Let's just hope that this issue would be resolved quickly. The tension's getting to me..

please help (the totally cliched subject title)

I'm diseased.

There is no true cure for what I am suffering from.

It's life threatening if left without treatment for too long.

Symptoms include:
- being quick to anger
- immense hurt
- sadness, bitterness
- green eyes

Please forward this blog entry. With every person you forward this entry to, Brogger.com has agreed to donate a total of US$1k to the neverending-research-for-an-impossible-cure fund in hopes of raising enough money to fund this ongoing research that is currently helping the world to find a cure that would cure the other tens and thousands of people who are also suffering from this deadly disease.

If you do not forward this entry, you are evil and very mean. You will also have bad luck for the next gazillion years. You will spend the entire rest of your life always looking over your shoulder and being so overly cautious that you won't ever be able to enjoy your life fully. You may also walk into things such as trees, lamp posts, buildings, humans, and the occasional dog poop.

If you do forward this entry to:
1 ~ 5 people - That's only 5 grand, you selfish bastard!
6 ~ 15 people - Better, but you're still not trying hard enough.
16 ~ 50 people - Pathetic! Don't tell me that that's all the friends you got.
51 ~ 1 million people - Dude, you're worthless. You really don't have any friends.
1 million and 1 ~ 6 billion - $__$ !! We loves you much.

pretend anger

Is it possible to love someone else in a detached manner?

Maybe.

But if you say that you try not to involve yourself emotionally in a relationship, how do you know if it is love?

All because you're afraid of getting hurt.

I don't understand... how one can live one's life being so overly cautious.. so afraid of getting hurt..

Once bitten, twice shy, you said. Oh, I've been bitten more than once. Maybe I'm just a slow learner. But maybe that's just not the way to live life.

What's the point if you don't take chances? Where's the pleasure when you hold back?

Taking things one step at a time.. I understand that one..

Taking the time to test the water and to get used to the cold? That one I don't quite understand..

It was always to my understanding that it was always better to just jump in so that you get used to the water faster.. then you also get to have fun sooner.

I'm gonna shrug this off.

I am but just a small girl, after all.

better together

There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

- Jack Johnson, Better Together

meaningless jabber

Here I am, sitting in front of my pc, typing out a bunch of nothing words which has no meaning whatsoever if not just for me to try to feel better. I don't think I've ever felt so hurt in a long time.

I still remember the day after a break up where I sat in the lecture theatre unable to stop the tears from flowing. I've been feeling that way all of yesterday and today.

It's as stupid to cry, to feel, as it is to be born human.

kl trip - part 2

Click here for KL Trip - Part 1. (Click on pictures to enlarge them)



Seriously, every single picture I've ever seen of the KLCC Petronas Twin Towers does not do any justice as to how gorgeous the building really is. But I think mine does. Hahaha. Okay, I'm kidding. Not about my picture not being good enough though. I really do think I took a great shot of this building. But sure, there are others out there who have also taken very nice pictures of the Twin Towers.. So those of you out there who's taken pics of/with this building before.... iboh marah, ya, but you gotta admit that I rock.

It was a semi cloudy day when I took this shot. And I only managed to take three pictures of the building cos my mom was rushing to go to Suria KLCC, a shopping complex located right at the foot of the Petronas Twin Towers. So I basically took those shots while walking. Snap snap snap, okay run! Why the rush? We only had about half an hour to shop there before my uncle would be picking us up. Ever watched that really old game show, Shop Till You Drop? Hehe.



After they picked us up, we all went straight to my other aunt's (Ann Ee) apartment in KL. Where we all had Christmas lunch. Laksa, roast lamb, roasted pork knuckles (we brought it up with us), and popiah. A lot a lot of food. Guess how much laksa my aunt made? Five friggin' pots! PS. We're all such a very colourful family, don't you think? Oh, and in the picture, I forgot to name my little sister, Andy. Only after I finished editing the pic did I notice someone missing. Ahahahaha. What kinda sister am I? Well, it's only cos her face was not shown and out of sight, out of mind? :P

After that we all went back to Seremban where it was the adults' turn to rest so the kids had to make dinner. Guess what we made? Spaghetti!! And *ahem* our spaghetti really was the bomb. I think it was the first dinner we all had together where we all actually finished all the food.



Yay! No leftovers. After cleaning up, I went upstairs just to hang in my aunt's bedroom together with my bro, cousin, sister, and aunt. What for? I was bored. So I started playing around with my cousin's toy dog and my camera. Hence:












Anyways, the day after that, my Kuku Chris, aunty Mitch, Aaron, Greg, and Amber all went back to Singapore cos my uncle had to get back to work and my brother and cousin just followed them down cos they can. Plus, they didn't want to go back to Miri so soon. I miss Amberleigh in all her snuggly glory.

Anyway, soon after they left, the rest of us got into my uncle's car and headed up to KL, again. Since my other uncle has left for Singapore, that left us with only one car. Yups, it was time for us to all turn into sardines. Fantastic.



Anyways, we all managed to survive till we arrived at our destination, which is Midvalley Megamall where I was just so lucky as to be picked. Picked for what? Pick pocketted. Bye bye, my sweet mobile. =( It was nothing that special, really. Just a Nokia 3220 but in any case, it was reliable and I was still contented with it. Funny how the day before it was stolen I was just thinking to myself, I don't need a new phone. I can dial out with this one. It doesn't give me any problems, it works and it's reliable. I don't need one that can take better pictures or play music. This one's just fine. =) Then.... jeng jeng jeng.... STOLEN! So stupid. Curse that bloody bastard.

After that, my mood to shop had been depleted. I even refused to try on any more clothes. I was so sad and upset. I almost cried. Why can't other people just respect other people's property and if they had wanted stuff like that, earn it for themselves instead of taking the easy way out and stealing? But I'm not worried.. I know they're gonna get what they deserve in the end.

I was so heartbroken that my aunt dragged me to MNG to buy me a new bag. Which cost my mom 300 ringgit. So smart right, my aunt? She's the one who brought me to go shop and she gets me to ask my mom to pay for it. Felt better after that if not for a little bout of guilt. I won't be human if I didn't feel guilty. I mean, losing my hp and then buying something pretty expensive right after?



And what luck I had to lose my hp the day before I was gonna leave KL. Thus, me not having a chance to buy a new handphone. Bleh. But it was bittersweet. I missed home. I missed someone back home. :P

kimmy got a boo boo

free flow of the thoughts

"... November.. December.. January.. February.. March.. April.. " she muttered under her breath as she counted the months off with her fingers.

That can't be right, she thought.

"Okay.. let's try this again.. October.. "

Hmm.. November does come after October, right? Nevermind.

"October.. November.. December.. January.. February.. March.. April.. "


It's still hard to believe that 6 months has gone by ever since Mark and I got together. In fact, it's hard to swallow. Yeah, I actually get that feeling of something being stuck in my throat thinking about it. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I think it's a bad thing.

I'm just worried. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing but I've never been in a relationship that managed to get past that 6 month mark. (except for one where I was with him for a year but that doesn't really count) What's worrying me more is that Mark and I still have not had our first blow up where we are so seethingly furious at each other that

1) we walk out on each other

2) we hang up on each other

3) we do not talk to each other for days

4) we attempt to break up with each other

Not that I want it to happen. It's just odd how rarely we fight as compared to my other relationships where I may as well be hating someone I claim to love.

But what I'm more worried about if we were to break up for one reason or another.. is how am I gonna tell my parents? This is the first time I've ever been able to be so open about my boyfriend.

He's even held hands, hugged, and kissed me in front of my family members. I still feel uncomfortable about him doing that eventhough it's good that he feels enough at ease to do that. Not that I mind, really.. I'm just afraid of what my parents think. First time, mah.

Funny also that it doesn't feel like 6 months to me. In my other relationships, at least it did feel as long as it lasted. I still feel like it's barely been a month. Time really does fly, doesn't it.

Haha.. I have to get over myself.

theory time

Maybe it's lame to admit to watching American Idol but heck. It's become a habit to watch it everytime it's in season. Well, like it or not, I'm here to blab about Lisa Tucker's recent departure from the show.

I do believe the reason why she was voted out despite the fact of her being a fantastic singer is because of her hairstyle. No, I'm serious. When she first joined American Idol she had nice, long, curly hair which made her look interesting and fun to be around.

And I'm sure that it was cos of her hair that people voted for her. It was only when she changed her hairstyle that she started slipping into the bottom three. Straight hair is boring. It didn't fit her, it made her look old and dull. At least the curls made her seem like an interesting and fun person.

PS. This was a serious post.

:P

how do we turn back time?

Just felt like stating an observation. Before, everyone was all happy happy joy joy and all in love. Now everyone's talking about getting over him/her and closure.

I feel so sad now.