ghost of years past

Earlier on tonight, as I logged into MSN Messenger, I got a little suprise. Someone from my past has added me on MSN. How odd. I approved the offer and checking to see if he was online, I decided to go online so that I may talk to him.

(Let's hope he never reads this entry, aite? So don't none of you go telling him either)

So, I greeted him with a "Hello! So, you're still alive, eh?" I know. Seems so rude, doesn't it? But I should think that he would be able to take the joke since he should know how rarely we ever meet/talk/chat/email/keep in touch. Here's how it's been for the past few years, he disappears to some foreign country, or sometimes even in the same country just very far away, and then he suddenly smses me. Then after that he disappears again, to some other faraway place. Then I suddenly meet him online. Then, *poof!* Then, whoa, an email! Which of course, after replying, I won't ever get a reply from him back. That's ok. It's expected. Then what's this? Phone call. Oh, yes, so very nice to hear from you again, etc. (I'm not being condesending) Then disappear.

He would always always be sure to have disappeared for a couple of months before suprising me by showing up one way or another. It's a really weird relationship.

Who is he? He was my first boyfriend. Whom I had the longest relationship with, suprisingly. Believe it or not, when I was with him, or not, cos sometimes I wasn't sure if I was or not.. because our relationship was also like what I described earlier. It wasn't always like that though. When we first started out, we met every break. Yes yes, this was back in secondary school.

But after he left school and left to Kuching, I started hearing from him less and less. Until one day, when he finally called me (I could never call him, he never had a number), I told him that it was over. Not because of the strain of the relationship. Okay, this is gonna make me sound really horrid. The relationship wasn't stressful or anything else of the sort and that was because I didn't have any feelings for him. I broke it off after meeting someone else.

But maybe back then, I thought it could be something. But how was I to know? I remember only getting together with him out of curiosity. He was my first remember? I just wanted to know what it was like to be with someone. But growing up, learning, I've come to realise that it wasn't love.

So how come he still felt something? How can he still regret ever breaking up? Cos when I think about it, I've no idea what was so special. Sure, he sang to me, he played his guitar, he serenated me, but that's just about the most romantic thing about the whole relationship. I still remember that he's got a good voice though. =) Maybe that was the thing that created the illusion of love. You know how girls manage to fall head over heels for musicians. He was talented. So that made it easier to fall. Haha.

But yes, that's just about it. My parents rarely let me out of the house. So we never spent much time with each other than in school. I don't feel like we really connected with each other. We both had different interests. Sometimes when he talked, I only pretended to be interested. Only cos I thought that as a girlfriend, it was my responsibility to do so. Listen.

Then after chatting tonight, he says that I was his first love. I don't know.. but I really can't believe the things he says. He suprised me that he was still able to recall my email address after all these years.. he suprised me when he recited my full name. He suprised me when he recalled a song that was somewhat special to the both of us. (Which I myself isn't too sure about) What he hell is going on?

He says that what we had was special.. I didn't have the heart to tell him that that for me, it was so far from that. So far from being special. I thought he had only gotten with me cos of a stupid bet he made with his friends. Like some plot from some chick flick. The bad popular guy pretending to like this geeky girl who has problems making friends. But apparently, his friends only made that bet with him after he told them that he wanted to ask me out. Apparently, his friends thought I was someone who was tough to get together with.

Which was true!!! I don't know how many times I turned him down. But he never gave up. I admired his persistance and finally gave in. Though I've no idea what the motivation behind it was.

That aside. I'm feeling very bad and guilty. Confused. So many unanswered questions. Like how is it that he is able to still feel that way towards me when even back then, I already felt that something was wrong. Was he always true in our relationship? He says he was but him being the well known bad guy, I always felt otherwise. Not that I minded. I said it already. It was nothing. Sigh. Not really nothing. I'm not that cruel. I'm glad to hear from him again. It's good to know that he's doing well. But him just showing up every few months like this is really making me curious to know what really happens during those few months.

I wish I knew the truth. I wish I could know if he could be trusted. I try, but I just can't trust him. Too many things I've yet to know.

I don't think there's anyone right now who's so much more of a mystery than this guy.

He is the biggest question mark in my life.