dear rafie

Holding hands, making plans.

You know you are never far from my thoughts..

You mean so much more to me than you would ever know.

You have been there for me too many times.. too many because I never deserved it. Once is already too much. But yes, thank you, very much.. for always being there.. you know I never deserved it but still you stayed..

When you hugged me, everything wrong with this world seemed right.. When you held my hand, I felt safe.. When you touched my face, I felt beautiful.. When you looked into my eyes, I felt secure.. Whenever you were near, I felt loved.

You taught me so much.. even to just hold hands with someone special.. you taught me to love. Before, you said you admired the fact that was not afraid to love.. you never knew that it was all cos of you..

Yes, I was afraid to love you.. afraid of getting hurt again.. but it just felt so right loving you.. In the end, I got hurt. But is this really the end?

You managed to break down that wall that has caused me to be so apathetic in the past. You never really saw me being that way though.. at least, I doubt you did..

You taught me to be a better person.. I know I have broken promises that I have made to you.. I know you got upset only because you still care.. I'm sincerely very sorry..

I know that my sorries don't mean much to you anymore.. I feel that I have used that too many times with you.. too many times have I wronged you.. but there's little more that I can do or say.

It's been a year since I first got to know you.. half of it spent being with you. I still remember that first day/night/day.. we never expected what was to become of us. You thought you were just gonna make another friend.. I thought you were just gonna be another acquaintance. We ended up talking all night.. you ended up giving me a history lesson.. Haha.. you sang to me too.. Sheila On 7's Berhenti Berharap. Remember our display pictures? I still do.

We talked till I got found out by my dad later that morning.. Boy, was he pissed. But I couldn't stop.. you were so different.. I loved it. I have no idea how you managed to find me interesting, but you did. Everyday, since that night, we kept in touch. We would chat, sms, and call one another. Never before, have I called someone who I just got to know a few days before who is almost still a complete stranger to me. But you intrigued me.

8 days later.. we happened.

In the course of the next 6 months, we laughed, cried, joked, played around, had fun together. But we also cried, cursed, argued, fought. We did a lot of stupid things.. both good and bad.. I know I definitely did a lot of the bad/stupid variety.

We don't get to talk as often as we used to.. But you're still the only one who knows how to handle me. You're still the only one that manages to make me smile one second and cry the next if you had wanted to. You're still the one that knows me best. You are my best friend. You may think that you have lost that title just because I've made more friends but as of yet, depending on whether you still want to defend your title, you are my best friend.

Remember when you first came to see me? I came to pick you up from the airport with 2 of your nutso friends that I had to also meet that same day.. Me, being the introverted person that I am, having to meet 2 complete strangers and get in a car with one of them, just to see you in person (also for the first time), was tough for me, but I had to, because I wanted to see you. You told me you were proud of how brave I was later on when I finally got to meet you. I know you were just kidding about how proud you actually were of me, but I was. =)

I remember you coming over in the middle of the night in your friend's car just because you were worried about me.. so you came over just to talk.. I still remember what you wore that night.. I still remember how the lights from the streetlamps, how they shone on your face.. I remember how quiet I was.. and how you did most of the talking that night..

I remember the 31st of October.

I remember January.. your trip over to Miri with your XPDC club. It was the first time we all actually got to go around Miri together. The first time you came over, we didn't go around much. I remember that CD you burnt me. I remember the rain, the short skirts, the baby tees, the necklace.. I remember Tanjong beach. I remember Niah..

Then Gawai came, this time I got to go over to where you were. I remember all those nights.. We weren't together anymore at the time.. but still. Heh. I remember all those late night rendezvous. I remember that staircase. I remember bumping my head on your bedroom ceiling. I remember getting tipsy together. I remember you.

Would it still suprise you to know that I still love you? That I still care?

I know it would suprise me to know that you still do.

Don't think I'm writing this just because I feel a need to.. I'm writing this because I want to..

I still care for you, whether you like it or not.. and I will continue to care for you. You have been a huge part of my life.. you won't ever be forgotten. Someone like you is not easily forgotten. You were special to me, and always will be. You will always be my Beetle Boy, my little dope angel. =)

I love you, b.