i'll be love's suicide

Remember when I said, I'll explain later in my i am almighty post?

I doubt you all do. Heh. But here I go anyway.

When I said "Ah, he's having a great time without me. Me? His Angel? Hah." What did that mean?

Well, the night before, we were chatting on MSN. And he had the words "I have met an Angel..." in his nick. Me, being the jealous type, asked him what's up with his nick. Expecting him to tell me all about this whole new wonderful girl he's just met because the night before, he had gone out with his brother and this whole group of girls. Sigh.

This was what he said in return:

Rafie "it was a dream I had..."
"needless to say, it was you..."
"and..."
"sigh.."
Me "what..?"
Rafie "the whole dream seemed to be about my entire life squeezed into 20 mins..."
"and how I was unhappy before you came..."
"and then you were with me... and then you were gone.."
"and how I was never happy ever again..."
"and it was like.. you had to be an angel..."
"because only an angel would have touched me so briefly.. yet left such a long, deep, irrepresible impression..."

Whether he was being real or not.. I can't be sure. Since he's always just hmmm... using/abusing his artistic/creative rights? What was it again? I forgot. Anyways, it's something along the lines of that. Sigh.. I would love to believe what he said, of course.. and in a way, I do. Maybe I'm just naive.

When I said "Sometimes, I don't mind.. being hurt. So I would listen and believe and then suffer the consuquences of insecurity." What I meant was.. you know, sometimes, yes, I do not mind getting hurt. I know that I will get hurt. I know that I will get hurt if I let myself believe he loves me. I would start thinking about what he's doing.. Sigh. It's harder to explain than I thought it would be. Heh.

I would go into his friendster knowing that I will get hurt from what I see. I would think of him, recalling all the good times we've had. They still do make me smile. =) It's only after, when I realise that, there won't be anymore of those times, that I feel sad. I know what is gonna happen. I know that I'm just going to be bringing myself down this way.

... does this make me suicidal? Or just in love?