happy birthday to me
Yesterday, Kym called me in the morning just to chat and wish me a happy birthday. =) Thanks, Kym. And she asked me, who else had wished me happy birthday.. I said, "Oh, just friends.." and she asked, "What about him?" I acted dumb, like I didn't know what she was talking about and asked who. She was like, "Him lah.. Rafie." To which I replied, "Oh.. no.. he hasn't wished me anything.. In fact, I haven't even heard from him in days.." Then Kym was like, "He probably just wants to suprise you." Heh.. yeah.. I was suprised. No doubt about that.
I think he had forgotten my birthday.. because he only called sometime yesterday afternoon. When I was out with Greg, as we were going to watch a movie later that afternoon. And he mentioned reading my blog.. maybe that's what reminded him. Sigh. As soon as I picked up the phone, he started singing me a happy birthday..
Sometimes, after talking on the phone, Fie would play around and pretend to not have heard me say "I love you too" after he's said "I love you" to me and he would keep going "What? What? Oklahh.. I know you don't love me anymore. It's okay.. I understand." In his merajuk voice. I really wish he didn't do that sometimes.. I don't know lah.. I know he's just playing around.. I know he's just joking.. but sometimes it would just hurt so bad.. because it's like, he doesn't want to really hear me. He doesn't want to believe me. And it would just remind of the time I begged and cried (pathetic, I know) trying to convince him to change his mind, not to leave me, because I loved him more than he would ever know.
Anyways, went to sleep at like, 1am later that day. Rafie called me again at 4am. You know, I was happy to see his number on my phone, although I was still sleepy. Heh. But he had called to say that he's not ready to get back together. He's not ready to commit. Hard to believe. Coming from someone who is always in a relationship. Someone who actually made me overcome my fear of committing. I remember when we both just started out.. I was actually the one who was afraid of getting too attached.. I was the one who was scared to love him.. I was terrified that I was just gonna get hurt again. I tried not to cry during that phone call.. I failed, miserably.
But I did not cry just cos of him. I was crying for a multitude of things, really.. There is just so much pressure on me right now.. I feel stressed to the bone. It was my birthday.. I wanted to relax.. I wanted to feel loved. Instead, I felt tired, stressed, ugly. I felt so so ugly. I'm 19. I'm 19!! Why do I still look this way?? God, why did you have to make me so different? Went over to Kym's house later that afternoon.. played around with her digicam. Taking all sorts of stupid pictures. I looked horrible in every single picture that I was in. Sigh. I hate myself so much.. Rafie doesn't even wanna love me anymore. I know, I'm not interesting, I'm difficult, I'm boring, I'm ugly, I'm all the things people do not want to be.
I cried from all the thoughts that was going through my mind at that moment. I was thinking of all the work I had to do, I was thinking of all the classes I've skipped, I was thinking of all the responsibilities I've just been given, I was thinking of things my parents said.. I was thinking about how happy he's made me when he gave me that new hope.. and how my days got better after that.. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. But you know you can't expect me not to get it up just a little, right? I was thinking how I didn't need something like this.. not right now.. Not when he was the one who kept me going. Sigh.. I'm so stressed that I'm breaking out again. Shit.
After awhile on the phone, Rafie said that he was tired and that he should be going.. That's fine.. Sigh.. what hurt the most was that as we were saying our goodbyes, he still told me that he loves me.. and that he would always love me.. Just that he doesn't feel that he's ready yet. So, yeah.. off he went.. back off to dreamland.. I stayed awake, lying in my bed, crying even more into my pillow.. with thoughts swimming about my head.. I eventually fell asleep again when I got tired from crying, from thinking..
Happy birthday, eh?
I think he had forgotten my birthday.. because he only called sometime yesterday afternoon. When I was out with Greg, as we were going to watch a movie later that afternoon. And he mentioned reading my blog.. maybe that's what reminded him. Sigh. As soon as I picked up the phone, he started singing me a happy birthday..
Sometimes, after talking on the phone, Fie would play around and pretend to not have heard me say "I love you too" after he's said "I love you" to me and he would keep going "What? What? Oklahh.. I know you don't love me anymore. It's okay.. I understand." In his merajuk voice. I really wish he didn't do that sometimes.. I don't know lah.. I know he's just playing around.. I know he's just joking.. but sometimes it would just hurt so bad.. because it's like, he doesn't want to really hear me. He doesn't want to believe me. And it would just remind of the time I begged and cried (pathetic, I know) trying to convince him to change his mind, not to leave me, because I loved him more than he would ever know.
Anyways, went to sleep at like, 1am later that day. Rafie called me again at 4am. You know, I was happy to see his number on my phone, although I was still sleepy. Heh. But he had called to say that he's not ready to get back together. He's not ready to commit. Hard to believe. Coming from someone who is always in a relationship. Someone who actually made me overcome my fear of committing. I remember when we both just started out.. I was actually the one who was afraid of getting too attached.. I was the one who was scared to love him.. I was terrified that I was just gonna get hurt again. I tried not to cry during that phone call.. I failed, miserably.
But I did not cry just cos of him. I was crying for a multitude of things, really.. There is just so much pressure on me right now.. I feel stressed to the bone. It was my birthday.. I wanted to relax.. I wanted to feel loved. Instead, I felt tired, stressed, ugly. I felt so so ugly. I'm 19. I'm 19!! Why do I still look this way?? God, why did you have to make me so different? Went over to Kym's house later that afternoon.. played around with her digicam. Taking all sorts of stupid pictures. I looked horrible in every single picture that I was in. Sigh. I hate myself so much.. Rafie doesn't even wanna love me anymore. I know, I'm not interesting, I'm difficult, I'm boring, I'm ugly, I'm all the things people do not want to be.
I cried from all the thoughts that was going through my mind at that moment. I was thinking of all the work I had to do, I was thinking of all the classes I've skipped, I was thinking of all the responsibilities I've just been given, I was thinking of things my parents said.. I was thinking about how happy he's made me when he gave me that new hope.. and how my days got better after that.. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. But you know you can't expect me not to get it up just a little, right? I was thinking how I didn't need something like this.. not right now.. Not when he was the one who kept me going. Sigh.. I'm so stressed that I'm breaking out again. Shit.
After awhile on the phone, Rafie said that he was tired and that he should be going.. That's fine.. Sigh.. what hurt the most was that as we were saying our goodbyes, he still told me that he loves me.. and that he would always love me.. Just that he doesn't feel that he's ready yet. So, yeah.. off he went.. back off to dreamland.. I stayed awake, lying in my bed, crying even more into my pillow.. with thoughts swimming about my head.. I eventually fell asleep again when I got tired from crying, from thinking..
Happy birthday, eh?
posted by Kim at 2:09 PM
9 Comments:
Guess u also didnt have a good bday huh? Geng la kita dua.....ehehe...
hey dun call yurself ugly becoz of one guy....wot happened to da im-hawter-than-you gurl...cmon kim...u pretty ba u...i mean...u know wad i mean la kan....haih...i memang tak pandai pujuk ppl...hahahaha adeh...anywayz cheer up k...i know u stress now...mebbe even stresser than me....but we all still need u as a fren ba....dont change k...^_^
You're beautiful.
It's a shame that you don't see it, and don't want to see it. I'm sorry I cannot offer more than what I try to give now.
But it would be a mistake to not learn from what has happened before, and to repeat those same mistakes. You know I love you. And we both know that relationships need more than just love to work. And I'm hopeless at making them work, as you can see.
Life isn't a dead end for you. If only you saw what I see in you.. If only you could understand how much of a person you could be if you just believed in yourself, dear.. I can only point you in a directiona nd hope you take it.. With or without me by your side..
19 years, and only now, is your life finally beginning. I'll be around for as long as I can. Just.. not in the way you want me to be.
Needs and wants, aren't always the same.
Kim be strong~ u will always hv support from me~ remember wad i said in msn~ stop hiding in the shadows.. n take off that mask u hv on.. Start to shine brighter than b4.. i've been thru this b4.. it hurts i know.. but don let it change u completly.. u can do it kim.. Gam Ba Deh~! i'll sing u the "freak me" song to cheer u up~ hehehe :P (thats if i hv to la :P)
by the way~ i made a mistake~ "u will always hv support from me~" is meant to be~ "u will always hv support from me n wani` :P n all those who care abt u"
See?
Everyone loves you and cares about you.
kim,... birthday queen shouldn't cry you know? Hakuna metata!!!
Dear Emily.
I'm Paul from Korea. I come across your blog while websurfing, and read your story. Be happy always.
You are indeed a beautiful person, Kim.
I just got to know you better in the last few days and indeed you are a beautiful person.
Just shine brighter than before.
Shine brighter and better til you make Rafie regret his decision!
(No offense to Rafie)
As you can see right in front of you, you have a lot of friends who are supporting you, and even someone who lives so far from you...
So get back up girl! I know you can shine once again as radiant as ever!
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