disillusionments
This afternoon all I did was lie in bed, reading a book, and eventually reached a state of semi-conciousness. Eventually, I won the battle and managed to stay awake for a few minutes. I stayed there, just lying in my bed, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stickers I had on the ceiling.
I began to wonder.. what is love, really? I thought I knew. Now I'm unsure again. Do I love Mark? I miss him greatly, and the tears would start flowing whenever he has to go away. Not like he knows anything about it. But... it's just not the same. It's nothing like what I've been through before. For one, it's slow. Every other time I've fallen in love, it just happens so fast, you don't have much time to react. This time, things are just going slow and steady.
It's confusing.. and it's all just very new. It's a bit scary. It's hard to predict the outcome of all this.. What I'm really afraid of is just getting hurt again.
It's confirmed that most of my family and relatives know that we're going out together. Ever since the day my mom asked, "So, are you and Mark serious?" to when my grandma asked, "Is he your boyfriend?" to the recent happenings of Chinese New Year where I dragged Mark around to go visiting with me. Where he managed to meet most of my relatives. Still feeling very guilty about it cos of all the attention he got and of all the questions he had to answer, and of all the new people he had to meet, and of all the pressure he has now with everyone probably expecting us to get married or something. We've only been going out for 3 months.. even I don't want to think about it..
Sometimes I wonder if he really does love me too? He says he does.. but I don't think he misses me as much as I do him. He's always been there for me whenever I needed him so far.. I know I shouldn't doubt him.
Oh well, he's proven to me already how much he cares, that's for sure.. and that should tell me that he does love me. From all the times he's had to calm me down cos I was so stressed that I was hysterical, or from all the times I just got so worried that I would fall into depression, from all the times I cried and he just hugged me and let me cry into his shoulder and he would just talk to me to calm me down. Not to mention all the times I made him stay with me till early morning just cos I didn't want him to leave yet.
I even remember once being so very restless at home.. and when I'm restless, and if I'm not able to vent out my restlessness, I will get irritated, frustrated, and angry. It got so bad that I started taking it out on Mark. Later that night, close to midnight, he came over and brought me some salmon sushi to hopefully calm me down, eventhough he himself was pretty upset with me, and eventhough it was raining really heavily that night.
Yeah, I'm so spoiled. He's always doing something for me and I would still get upset with him at the end of the day at times.. Too many times already has he helped me out with something and yet, there's not one single thing that I can think of that I have done for him.
We've only had one really huge fight so far.. which is pretty amazing. We rarely fight. In other relationships where I actually loved the person I was with, we've probably had more than one fight after three months of being together. Yeah, cos when I'm with someone I don't really love, we don't fight. Even if we do, it's short, cos I don't really care even if he wins. Crude, I know, that's why I try to avoid having relationships such as those. I do not like using another person. It does not feel right, and it is not right.
Which is also probably why I only got a new boyfriend only 7 months after Rafie and I broke up. I didn't want to be with someone who's just gonna be a rebound guy for me. The feeling of being used is hurtful. It's like being someone's crutches and after their legs have healed, you are just tossed aside and forgotten. But then again, that's not a very good analogy to use, cos when someone's legs are healed, what's the point of them going on using those crutches?
After that, my eyelids felt heavy and my mind started feeling light and I started drifting off to sleep..
I began to wonder.. what is love, really? I thought I knew. Now I'm unsure again. Do I love Mark? I miss him greatly, and the tears would start flowing whenever he has to go away. Not like he knows anything about it. But... it's just not the same. It's nothing like what I've been through before. For one, it's slow. Every other time I've fallen in love, it just happens so fast, you don't have much time to react. This time, things are just going slow and steady.
It's confusing.. and it's all just very new. It's a bit scary. It's hard to predict the outcome of all this.. What I'm really afraid of is just getting hurt again.
It's confirmed that most of my family and relatives know that we're going out together. Ever since the day my mom asked, "So, are you and Mark serious?" to when my grandma asked, "Is he your boyfriend?" to the recent happenings of Chinese New Year where I dragged Mark around to go visiting with me. Where he managed to meet most of my relatives. Still feeling very guilty about it cos of all the attention he got and of all the questions he had to answer, and of all the new people he had to meet, and of all the pressure he has now with everyone probably expecting us to get married or something. We've only been going out for 3 months.. even I don't want to think about it..
Sometimes I wonder if he really does love me too? He says he does.. but I don't think he misses me as much as I do him. He's always been there for me whenever I needed him so far.. I know I shouldn't doubt him.
Oh well, he's proven to me already how much he cares, that's for sure.. and that should tell me that he does love me. From all the times he's had to calm me down cos I was so stressed that I was hysterical, or from all the times I just got so worried that I would fall into depression, from all the times I cried and he just hugged me and let me cry into his shoulder and he would just talk to me to calm me down. Not to mention all the times I made him stay with me till early morning just cos I didn't want him to leave yet.
I even remember once being so very restless at home.. and when I'm restless, and if I'm not able to vent out my restlessness, I will get irritated, frustrated, and angry. It got so bad that I started taking it out on Mark. Later that night, close to midnight, he came over and brought me some salmon sushi to hopefully calm me down, eventhough he himself was pretty upset with me, and eventhough it was raining really heavily that night.
Yeah, I'm so spoiled. He's always doing something for me and I would still get upset with him at the end of the day at times.. Too many times already has he helped me out with something and yet, there's not one single thing that I can think of that I have done for him.
We've only had one really huge fight so far.. which is pretty amazing. We rarely fight. In other relationships where I actually loved the person I was with, we've probably had more than one fight after three months of being together. Yeah, cos when I'm with someone I don't really love, we don't fight. Even if we do, it's short, cos I don't really care even if he wins. Crude, I know, that's why I try to avoid having relationships such as those. I do not like using another person. It does not feel right, and it is not right.
Which is also probably why I only got a new boyfriend only 7 months after Rafie and I broke up. I didn't want to be with someone who's just gonna be a rebound guy for me. The feeling of being used is hurtful. It's like being someone's crutches and after their legs have healed, you are just tossed aside and forgotten. But then again, that's not a very good analogy to use, cos when someone's legs are healed, what's the point of them going on using those crutches?
After that, my eyelids felt heavy and my mind started feeling light and I started drifting off to sleep..
posted by Kim at 11:19 PM
7 Comments:
How do I define a serious relationship? When both sides of the family knows about you. When both of you talked about children. About your dream house. When you guys talked about the future lah.
I don't know if it's good or bad to have more or less fight with a person. Syiq and I have been together for not more than two months and I have already accused him of lying. We fight over small things every time we meet. Heck, every time we talk or even in SMSes. I've nvr marah a person so many times in my whole entire life. Well, maybe except for my dad. Or siblings. Erm, they don't count.
I've asked myself why I get upset so easily. My answer was that I care for what he thinks of me. And even the slightest tease or playful insult hurts (a lil bit only lah) cuz I want him to think highly of me.
From what you say about Mark, he's a great guy. That's a man there, girl. He really cares for you. And I'm sure he really does love you.
Darn, that's long. I don't know where I'm going with this... So I'm gonna stop here. Heh. Sorry. =P
thinking too much leads to huge amount of doubts...
think only necessary..
yea.. like dats easy.. haha!
forgive my dear brain. d moment it hits d relationship and love issues.. it goes way out of earth. maybe even further than pluto ;p
i was suppose to type -think only when necessary-
haiyo.. haha~
funny, ive been wondering about the exact same thing......
maybe you shouldnt have asked yourself if you really love the guy. I guess when it comes to love, you'd just know. then again, dont convince yourself so hard it is love when somewhere inside, you know it wasnt love to begin with.
strange huh?
Oh btw, sorry for this sudden appearance. I have been reading your blog for some time :) cool place.
lil butterfly: haha.. yes, been through all that.. hated the fact that i had to be so sensitive when it comes to that one person. we've talked about the future and all that.. but well... every guy i've been with does that. and well, they talk and i just listen.. i guess i'm just not one to simply talk about the future.
but yeah, we've talked about what car would we drive, what house we would like to live in, where would we live? to where should we send our kids to school. hahahaha. oh and it's just confirmed that his family also knows that i'm his gf. so yea, both our families know that we're dating each other. a serious first for me.
nadia: yearps... i think too much. and i know this kinda thinking ain't good for anyone of us. alalalala.. i lost my train of thought. uh.
jawing: yes, i remember. we once talked about love and lust. how do we know if it's love or is it just lust? and well... i'm still not too sure.
stranger: i probably only questioned it cos of the whole introducing him to the whole entire family thing. which then probed the question as to what if we broke up? *touch wood* what would i tell everyone? then it made me wonder if i did the right thing bringing him around cos well.. ok.. i lost my train of thought again.
crap. i think i got ADD. oh yes, it's very nice to finally hear from ya, stranger.
insecurities.
we are all in the same boat.
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