death, language, education

I'm supposed to be studying, but I'm not. I'm starting to fall asleep so I'm taking a break by blogging and hopefully I would be more awake by the end of this post. I don't drink coffee, see. =) I'm afraid to go online on MSN cos I know I might get caught up chatting and totally forget about my work. Well, what shall we talk about then?

I've always wondered, suppose someone close to you passes away.. and you got people coming up to you, saying how sorry they are to hear about it. What are you supposed to say back? "It's okay" just seems very out of place. Just a random thought. I wouldn't really know what to say either.

My mind's at a complete blank. I've nothing interesting to say nor to share. I guess I'll just rant. Ah, I feel like I'm losing my grasp of the english language. Everyday, I feel like I'm forgetting the language more and more. Pretty soon, I won't be able to communicate at all. I could probably start using Malay or Hokkien to communicate but I'm terrible at those languages. So, I have decided that one of my new year's resolution would be to be more articulate. It's frustrating, this feeling like I'm losing something more and more each day. Everyday, I find myself trying to explain something and I would just stop, because I can't think of the word to use although that word is right on the tip of my tongue. It's rather depressing, really.

Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of leaning disability. Nah, maybe not. Sigh. Maybe I do. I can never focus long on my books. Unless it's something really interesting. I know I was really bad in school when I was young. I barely even remember what went on in the classroom. Most of the time, I just didn't get it. School was just someplace I had to go in the morning. I barely paid any attention in class cos I was always distracted by one thing or another.

Sitting still in class was another problem. I still have that problem. Try leaving me in a chair and watch me shift positions countless times every few seconds. I had terrible social skills. I was so shy that I was quiet almost all the time. I bullied the boys in my class. I don't know what for either. Maybe I used to know, but now I've forgotten. I'm just glad that most of them have forgiven me. I know from how they would comment, "Hey Kim! Remember me? You used to bully me so much that......." They have no idea how sorry I feel for them. I still have terrible social skills. I'm still shy. Though not as much as before. It's a work in progress. So.. if ever you see me, and I maybe look away from you, don't think that I'm being rude and too proud to say hi. I'm just too shy. It's not healthy, really.

Anyways, I know I just never got it. I never understood. I was so dumb and stupid. In the end, I had to be put in special classes. It was so humiliating. I hated it so much. Then one day, a light came on. A light which helped shed some light on things and helped me find a way. I just finally understood. I understood maths. I understood malay. I understood science. That damn electrician sure took his time!! It was weird, really. It was just so sudden. I don't know if other kids grow up the same way as I did.. but I know that that's what happened with me.

I still remember once, when I was young, I was sitting on my parent's bed, trying to do my maths homework. My mom noticed that I was struggling with it and she tried to help. But I was so stubborn, I wanted to do it alone. I ended up crying. Cried until I got tired and fell asleep. Woke up the next day with my homework all done. My parents helped finish it for me.

My mother mentioned last year that when I was young, I used to hate going to school and I would fight and scream and cry cos I did not want to go. She said it was cos of a teacher that hit me. The teacher hit me on my head and after that day, I never wanted to go back to school. Then my parents got that teacher fired. Hah! Too bad I don't remember anything about it at all.

However, by the end of secondary school, I was thought of as one of the smart, bright ones. Although I felt very much average and never good enough. Isn't it funny how a girl who once had to attend special classes ended up the way she did?

When university started, her world started caving in again. She could quite possibly be one of the worst students in the university. She's wasting her parents money and she knows it. She tries, but she doesn't try very hard. She's dependent and without someone to push her, she would never make it. It's not something she is very proud of either. She's trying to change all that. Hopefully, she would be able to make it.

She prays for people like her, cos she knows how hard it is to get through life with what she's been through. She knows that there are others who have given up for much much less. Pray for her, please?