i'm a little shellfish

So tonight, I wasn't feeling my best. Was down, worried, depressed, upset.. cos when Mark left for Brunei on Sunday, he said that he would talk to me again soon. I guess I kinda expected him to call when he reached Brunei.. I wish he did. Cos everytime he has to go away like that, I worry that something bad might happen on the way over to wherever it is he would be going away to.

Yes, I worry.. It might just be paranoia.. No wait, it is paranoia. I know he worries about me sometimes too. That's why I always try to let him know what I'm up to or where I am so that he wouldn't have to. Although I really doubt he worries as much as I do about him. And I let him know all these things cos I just wish he would do the same. But he doesn't. Maybe I should tell him about how I feel about this but that would just make me seem very clingy, don't you think? And I know being a clingy girlfriend may seem very flattering at first but will become quite overwhelming later.

Plus, I don't want to stifle him.. I don't want to stress him out when he's just started working and has other responsibilities.. I can't hog him all to myself all the time as much as I want to. But it's been two days.. two days of worrying if he made it home alright? At least when I went to Singapore and KL for two weeks I always kept him in the know. How much he appreciated it remains to be unseen.

No wait, I can't say that.. He's been trying to spend as much time as he could with me.. although I selfishly want him to stay longer. He's been helping me with my studies.. He's been meeting my family... the whole damn lot of them and I know how scary that can be.. I would add in the soft toys he's given me but they don't count cos he kept forgetting to give them to me for like, a few weeks.. but then again.. they do say that it's better late than never..

But.. he's also been forgetting his promises.. forgetting the things we've talked about.. although I've made it clear to him how much some things mean to me.. However, I don't want to bring them up again.. I don't want to be a nag! I just want to see if he would remember..

Yes, it hurts. Just tonight I was mindlessly watching the tube.. Mindlessly just watching the changing colours on the TV screen but not understanding what's going on cos of all the thoughts that were floating about in my mind, distracting me. Making me tear up. I don't know if it was cos I missed him.. or it just meant that much to me that someone I cared about kept their word. Maybe both.

Anyways, not long after, a new found friend, Saru-Kun, messaged me to say Hello, literally. Cos that was all that was written in his message. He just had the misfortune of contacting me in my moment of depression. I just have this thing where.. I don't like telling people what I'm going through.. cos I dislike disturbing others.. I didn't want to trouble anyone with my troubles.. but I felt like I really needed to do something about it.. so, I called him. (I was out of credit and needed someone to talk to) He messaged me first anyway. I believe that that is considered grounds for a voluntary emotional crutch.

I do believe that sometime during our conversation that I was somewhat his emotional crutch as well anyway. Since both of the people that we want to contact are both unavailable to the both of us. A very sad and depressing thought, really.. But mostly we didn't talk about why we're down.. most of our conversation was spent on the most randoms things such as Jedi mind powers, psychic powers, lecturers, English, high school, manglish, voices, cars, forums, strangers, ang pau etc. Guess what, we both got something in common! We haven't opened our ang paus. =) Yeah, I still haven't opened any of them although I was thinking of opening them the other night.

Yeah, I think I gotta lay off the phone for quite a bit now. After that phone call... yeah... *shakes head* Sigh, I think that we both would probably much preferred talking to that certain someone that was unavailable to us rather than each other but still, I was very much happier after that call. =) I felt better anyway. Thanks, Saru-Kun.

As much as I wish I could depend on Mark.. as much as I want him to be the only one that I talk to.. I don't feel like he wants to be that person that would be there for me all the time. That's probably why I called Saru-Kun, the insomniac. Haha.. I also think that being an insomniac is extra points for being my emotional crutch.

Hahaha! Sorry, Saru-Kun!! I know you're gonna be reading all this eventually. You're the one who sort of forced me to blog anyway.

Bottom line is, I miss Mark. He's the one I think of when I wake, the one who's on my mind last before I fall asleep, he's always there in my dreams.. and I hate knowing that it's not the same for him. That's just me being selfish again.. I worry about him! I wonder about his day. I hope he's doing alright. Unfortunately, I'm not number one on his list.

Yeah, I have to stop being so selfish..