only stupid

I feel the incredible need to blog but I'm at a loss as to what to say. How upsetting. I was so hoping to be able to write some long entry and to blow you all away with my incredibly assembled string of words. Ha ha ha. Who am I kidding.

Hello everyone! I just watched Girl, Interrupted. Finally. I've been wanting to watch that movie for years and I finally got to do it. Cos it just played on tv. Ha ha. Yay me! The other times didn't count cos I only got to watch little snippets of it at a time.

Yesterday, I was thinking.. (suprise!!) Anyways, I was thinking that maybe people who are able to commit suicide are actually the brave ones. But then I also thought that they're stupid. I mean, it does take a certain level of gut to actually commit oneself to dying, doesn't it? I mean, like, wow. But then again, if you're doing it for some completely stupid reason, then you're dumb. But then again, when is a reason not dumb? I know there are some people out there, who talk about suicide, who talk about doing it. I don't believe these people have good reasons to do it.

I know, they're depressed individuals. I know how they're feeling, I know I know I know. How much do I know? More than you think. Haha. Cos hello? I'm manic depressive. I know how easy it is to still pretend around friends and family about how life is normal. But sometimes.. I don't see why they should be (depressed).. I don't think your boyfriend or girlfriend is treating you that badly, right? He doesn't abuse you.. and just because he doesn't often act the same way he did when you both first met, doesn't mean that he doesn't still love you..

Your parents love you to bits. They get you everything you want.. you know it. They talk to you.. you talk to them.. your daddy gives you hugs.. your mom cooks for you.. they bring you with them when they travel.. You have so many friends! Oh, and how each and every single one of them adore you and wishes you the best..

Hypothetical, of course.

But see.. if you're suicidal.. just take a step back and look properly. You'll see that you have a lot to live for. Funny, that coming from someone who counts pills to see if there were enough left to kill her, just in case. ;) But see, that's just me. I've been that way ever since I was 10. Yes, ten! At ten I daydreamed about how I would die.. or how everyone else around me would. Yeah, sorry.. I kinda dreamt about you dying too. Imagine, being young and wondering what it was like to pull a trigger with the gun aimed at your head. So cute, no?

Ok ok, fine. Messed up, more like. I'm not saying that my life is perfect. I know it isn't. Far from it, in fact. I myself know that I'm not free from suicidal tendacies. But I try.

It seems that nowadays, people are more open about their problems. Does that mean that we, as a society, are coming to terms with ourselves? Or are we just giving up? Or is admitting the fact that we have a problem the first step to recovery? What am I saying? I think I was saying something important but I guess not. Oh oh. Or is it just becoming evident how tough life is getting as time goes on? Or were people back then better at coping? Or maybe I'm just being shortsighted. No, I'm not being shortsighted. Being shortsighted is when I don't try to explore or look at the issue from different aspects. I'm being ignorant.

I haven't found a good reason for suicide. Except in that movie, Million Dollar Baby, when that paralyzed girl died, which is sort of suicide anyway.. that was a beautiful death. But again, it was a movie. Sadly, most suicides aren't beautiful. Only stupid.