"Geez, get some professional help, woman!!" says that voice again

Who am I kidding.. sigh.. I'm a wreck.. It's awful not having someone to run to.. when bad things happen.. having to keep everything to yourself once more.. get through everything yourself.. without anyone to share your burdens with.. It's awful not having someone to depend on.. I miss him so much.. he doesn't miss me at all.. Sure.. he said he loves me.. but he never did say anything about missing me... sigh.. He's probably feeling oh so relieved to be rid of me.. this wreck.. who is nothing but trouble.. He doesn't want me online on MSN.. but he's still there.. online.. I bet he's having fun.. chatting with everyone else.. not being disturbed by me.. for once, being able to chat in peace.. not being brought down by me and another one of my fucked up problems. Well, actually, I'm his fucked up problem. So just with me being around him is already a problem in itself. Sigh.. He's the one that wanted us to take a break from each other anyway.. sigh.. heh.. first day and already he goes down to the beach.. celebrating his new found freedom, no doubt.

He says not to worry? Sigh.. how could I not?? The first time someone suggested to me that we took a break from each other.. someone that I trusted.. he left me for someone else. I could not go through that again.. I won't last. Especially not with this one.. heh.. this one's just too special to me.. sigh.. but.. sigh.. I shouldn't judge others based on my past experiences.. I know I do not want Rafie doing that to me. I do not lie. I will never cheat. But it's understandable how we're sometimes unable to believe the other.. just because of our past hurts.

Heh.. I seem to be blogging a lot more nowadays.. just to be distracted. Yeah.. that's all I look for nowadays.. more and more distractions. To keep my mind off him. Cos when I do.. it's all just.. whoosh! there goes Sanity out of the door and in comes Paranoia. A good friend who shouldn't visit for too long cos he just gets annoying. Ack! I'm using personifications now. That can't be good.

Sigh.. at least, you know.. in a way.. he still gets to hear from me.. by coming here.. I, however.. have absolutely no idea how he's doing.. hence all the paranoid thoughts finally getting through to me because I now don't have my Rafie to defend me from them.

... it sucks to cry.