lost

I came so close to losing my baby last night.. or this morning actually.. Why he did it.. I have no idea.. other than it must've been me. It's all my fault. I pushed him to it. I made it seem to him that he had no other choice.

I'm at a complete and utter loss at what I should do next.. I don't want to have to let him go.. Everytime I think of him now.. I just.. I feel so lost.. so helpless.. I'm here.. and he's there.. If only I could be there.. to hold him.. to tell him how sorry I am.. that I love him.. that there can never be another.. I wish so much right now to just be able to hold him.. and not let go.. and not speak.. just to be close with him again..

He doesn't believe what I say anymore though.. I understand though.. and I don't blame him at all. After all the things I've done.. Heh.. It's just amazing that he can still say he loves me.. but.. sigh.. I don't know how long he would be able to keep it up.. I know I love him.. I've never loved anyone else as much as I love him.. I'm so horrible.. he's been through so much crap in his life.. he doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. Yet I'm the one to bringing him through it. He's really been through so much.. so much undeserved hurts.

I really admire him.. for his faith.. his hope.. his bravery.. his preseverance in everything.. but I've ruined it for him.. I've crushed his hopes and dreams.. Hopes and dreams I share.. Heh.. I know I would only be talking in riddles for everyone out there reading this. (I doubt anyone else would have bothered reading this far though) Everyone but Rafie. I'm sorry.. you have no idea how much I want them to come true too.. I believe in us.. I believe that we would be able to make it in the future if only we just kept the faith.. and keep on believing that true love is worth it.

B.. please don't get upset at me.. I never want to upset you.. I never want to hurt you.. I never meant to.. You've been through so much in your life.. I don't want to be another one adding to that.. all that hurt.. all that pain.. all that unnecessary suffering.. Sigh.. I'm really sorry.. Please forgive me.. I miss you so much, so badly. I'll always love you.