i'm not okay (i promise)

What is depression anyway? Yeah.. so.. what is it? Lately, I've been feeling really low. Really low. And I just can't... get out of it... sure, I laugh, I smile.. but they're all fake and after all that.. I'm back again where I started.. that feeling of emptiness.. I've completely.. lost whatever motivation I ever had.. Is that being depressed? I don't want to do anything anymore..

Everything I do now.. is just.. forced. I force myself to wake up.. force myself to take that shower.. force myself to eat.. everything. Force myself to try and act normal. Mind numbingly doing my chores..

And.. Why is it that now.. I'm so affected by what people say? Not like I never was affected by the things they say before.. sure I was.. but I was always able to shrug it off, find a distraction and start the healing process. It sucks.. being stuck this way..

There's also that feeling.. guilt. GUILT. GUILT! I don't even get.. why.. should I be feeling that way.. I've been good lately. I swear.. though, yes, I still mess up. But never on purpose.. and so they start pouring that hot cauldron filled to the brim with blame, hurt all over me. Oh yes, I suppose I'm wallowing in my own self pity at the moment and it's all really selfish of me. But anyway.. Cos of all this guilt.. I start feeling worthless. That, I know I am. I cannot contribute anything to this world. There is no place for me. I'm good for nothing. Except as a thing to bring laughter.. laugh at how lame I am, how ridiculous I am.. trying to make a place for myself in this world, thinking that I could somehow fit in somewhere. A thing for people to pile their shit on. Which isn't such a bad thing really.. at least then.. I'm not so worthless.

... oh well.