i'm sorry

Sigh.

So, I called Rafie a week ago. I just had to be straight with him. I kept thinking of how I should tell him that I was seeing someone else now. I don't like lying to him..

Let's just say that nothing I planned to say that night went according to plan. For one, the conversation was supposed to be short. He wasn't supposed to overreact. I wasn't supposed to cry.

I despise having to hurt another person.. it hurts me having to hurt others.. that's why my heart aches, that's why I cry.

After I told him that I was seeing someone else now, it all came pouring out from his side. The reasons why he hasn't been able to contact me as much as he used to.. why he hasn't had any credit on his hp for what felt like ages..

How he only wanted me happy, and that's why he let me go out, join CV!, meet new people.. there was regret, anger, betrayal in his voice. Why hasn't he had credit? He's been saving up.. for a plane ticket over to see me..

And he's bought it already.. along with a necklace, and a bracelet.. he said that he felt that when he came over, he would be able to make a proper apology for ever leaving me.. and that he realised how wrong he was to ever leave me. And all the stuff he bought was supposed to make up for it.

He screamed, he yelled.. what was he supposed to do with the ticket he's bought now? What about the necklace and the bracelet? What about all the money he's used up just to buy all that stuff for me?

Then he goes on calling me a gold digger. That I was only with him for his money. Cos when we were together, he would always help me reload my hp.. he bought me jewellry.. he bought me clothes.. he came over to see me twice.. and since we've been apart, all that stopped. And that I'm with this other guy cos he supposedly has more money.

That just hurt. To think that my sincere feelings for him were reduced to only that. It isn't true.. I sincerely and truly did love him, once before. I'm not that kinda person.. sigh.

When we were together, we had standards, never once did we name call, not even when we were furious, and fighting with each other. It was our silent agreement. We never stated a rule that said we would never name call. It was just a general understanding that we had between us. But for the first time, he did it. Calling me a gold digger.. that hurt like it's meant to, I suppose. Otherwise why would he do it in the first place, right?

I deserved it anyway. For I promised him that one day I would come back to him. Or actually, he promised that he would one day return to me, and I promised that I would wait for him. Then suddenly, Mark appeared.

Honestly, he was just supposed to be a crush. I thought that once I let my feelings out to him, I would be able to get over that crush. He was not supposed to say that he liked me too. But he did. So.. we decided to go out. I thought once we went out, and once I got to know him better, I would be over him. (He thought the same) But, that did not happen. So, yeah, that's why we're still together.

I still remember everything that happened while I was Rafie like it was only yesterday.. and it aches to remember them. It feels like all those memories are all just going down the drain. Except that they won't.

He's been calling every night since then. He's calmed down since then.. although he doesn't sound great.. I worry so much about him. I still care about him so much although he doesn't believe that I do cause of what I'm doing now. I don't blame him.

Some nights I wake up to tens of missed calls on my hp. Those are nights when I am so incredibly tired that I sleep through the calls. Sigh. I'm sorry, fie.

What's ironic here is that.. me, by being with Mark, I am breaking a promise to someone.. and Mark, by being with me, is also breaking a promise that he made to someone long ago. And both the people we made our promises to, are not around. Not in the same city. We're both hurting someone else who loves us by being with each other.

All the memories of the times spent with him are still with me. All the adventures we had. All the stuff we did. Everything he has ever given me are still with me. All the songs he's sent or sung to me. A lot of memories. Too much really write down now. Crazy in love, that's what we were. I don't regret them.

He doesn't deserve this hurt. I really should just die. Then I can't hurt anyone anymore.

Yes, I still care about him.. a lot. How could I not. After all we've been through.. all the sacrifices. Especially from him. I never realised it till now.. but he's been sacrificing for me ever since the first time we met. Ever since the first time we talked. And has been ever since then.. and is still.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post. But it's been awhile since I last posted something real, right? I know this post is just gonna sound really confusing (maybe) and shallow.. because I'm not able to tell everyone how much he's done for me. Cos it's that much. And I doubt I can make people understand what we used to have. I have to be very good with words to do something like that.. but sometimes it may seem that words don't even come close.

Feeling very hopeless. Sigh. I'll still pray for him. I'll try to make people understand, one day.

I'm sorry.