a break from our regularly scheduled programming

Just some random thoughts from a random person - ME.

• It's not that I don't like maths that I don't pass up any of my work. It's not like I don't do the work that I don't pass up any work. I do. I sincerely do love maths. I remember once telling my mom when I was very young how I wanted to grow up to be a mathematician. Heheh.. I know no one else in the world who would say that. I know I'm not fantastic in maths, but I love it all the same. Why don't I pass up any of my work then? I have no idea.. I just hate.. being questioned. I despise being interrogated. I do not appreciate being doubted. It just feels disrespectful, to me.
  
  
• I need mental help. Just can't seem to get out of this awful cycle of negative feelings. Loneliness, emptiness, sadness, anger, hate. And I'm starting to talk to myself in my head now. What's up with that, huh? Heh.. not like I've never done it before. I remember this conversation I had with myself just the other day. Something about favourite colours. "Hmm.. my favourite colours used to be blue and black. Haha. Bruises! And then, about last year, my favourite colours were red and black. Ooohh.. but now, my favourite colour is just black. Hmmm... the only consistant colour here is black. Hmm.. wonder why." Do you think it's weird to be talking to yourself in your head? And then, on the drive home, I was talking to my radio. Heh. *cough* Anyways, moving on...
  
  
• Was in such a bad mood all night tonight. Why? Cos my mom has been talking about me behind my back again. And not in a good way. I know that all parents do this sometimes.. but I've never heard my mom talking good about me to others. Everything that comes out from her mouth about me are all negative. It's the people she talks to that tries to convince her otherwise, and not to talk about me that way. But they're probably only saying it out of expectation or compulsion. I know it's our culture, for asian parents to do these sort of things. But can't they ever say anything good? At least show that you're proud of me, in some way. People tell me.. I'm sure they do it cos they love you. But how? They don't trust me. They even say that outright. And everyone knows that without trust, there can be no love. Sometimes I wish they could be more westernised. Now, I'm not saying that westerners are right all the time. But I'm not saying that asians are right all the time either. I just believe that we can learn something from each other. Like, maybe westerners could learn something about respect from us. Cos I do believe that we asians have a lot of respect for each other. And we know how to show that respect towards out parents, or elders. And we asians could learn to be more open-minded about things. Learn to accept that with growth, there must be change. And to accept that change.
  
  
• Rafie's gonna be coming here in 2 weeks time... I have no idea how to feel about that.. I do want to see him again.. but I can't let myself get all excited.. I don't know why.. I'm afraid I'm just gonna get disappointed, I guess. Sigh.. just wonder.. how am I gonna go about it.. My parents are so strict with me.. I just hope I will be able to spend some time with him. And I need to get him something for his birthday.. I promised I was gonna get him something better.. and I really do want to get him something special.. cos I've never gotten him anything great.. and that's exactly what I want to get him. Something great.
  
  
• I've been skipping a lot of my classes lately.. left, right and center. It sickens me.. for me to be this way. Honestly, I feel sick to my stomach.. thinking about me being like this. How did I even end up like this? I do not want to fail. I do not want to fail. Yet, I keep doing these sort of things.. I need something.. I need motivation.. I need to find a reason again.. a reason to do the things I do. I used to have one.. used to.

Thank you. *bows* *exits stage left*