me and boys

I'm half amused and half pissed off as well. What a strange feeling. Hahaha! Why am I in this funky mood? Well.. my mom's friend, sent my mom home after work just this afternoon. This mom's friend was responsible for a concert I had attented last last Saturday (11.06.05) Any anyways.... that lady, told my mom that I had apparantly brought a guy to the concert with me. Okay.... hmmm... why the fuck would you do something like that?! Who the hell do you think you are thinking you have the right to mess up someone's else's life?! Do you enjoy getting other people into trouble?! This is so retarded. I know it's Malaysian culture for one nosy hag to tell another about what their kids have been doing. Is it because they like to flaunt the fact that their kids might be better than other people's?? Do they talk bad about your friend's kids to make it seem as though they're scum and only your kids are worthy of any praise? Well, I doubt your kids are perfect, ma'am. But what right do you have to spread gossip?? To tell lies?! I am pissed because, whatever the fuck that poor excuse for a lady (I'm not even sure if I should call her that) told my mom, whatever it was, it isn't true.

I brought a guy there?! Excuse me! I pretty much went there alone!! Thank you very much. Sure, I went there together with Aaron, Greg, and their friends in one car, but that doesn't count. Cos I wasn't bringing along any of my own friends. Let alone any guys. I went there alone, for myself. Hoping to cheer myself up and listen to some good music. Nice to know what my mom thinks of me. She thinks i'm a good-for-nothing, useless, boy-crazy girl who doesn't have a brain. Gee.. Thanks mom!! Would it suprise you to know that I am in fact, a shy girl? Who has in fact, never hit on a guy before? Who sure, sees handsome guys and appreciates or at times, admire them for their ability to just look good and/or better than me? Other than that, they're just another person to me. Seriously. I'm not one of those girls who goes gaga over every guy I see. Geez.. give me some credit, will ya?

The concert and after the concert with some people still milling about.

Okay.. I have to explain here how seriously paranoid my mom is about me and guys. What ever the fish for, huh?? I do have a brain, you know. The only reason why I don't act like I do at times is just for fun. Crap. This family is just too serious at times. Usually, I feel this tension in the air. Sigh.. during dinnertime.. my family would be so damn quiet.. I'm jealous of other kids who are able to talk and joke around with their families.. I'm jealous of their laughter.. Honestly.. I'm afraid to say/talk/mention even the smallest of things to my parents. I remember always.. always.. having to repeat the things I wanted/needed to say to my parents over and over and over again in my head until it just pops out of my mouth and I go Phew.. there.. I finally said it. It's disheartening that I have to fear my parents. I remember my mom telling me about how upset my dad is that we don't talk to him or that we don't ask help from him for our homework and how we don't tell him about how school's going. Then I remember thinking "It's cos whenever we DO try to talk to him and ask him for help, he just gets pissed off and starts shouting at us for our incompetence" but.. isn't that why we go to him in the first place? For help? Doesn't he know that just getting pissed and shouting at us would of course, drive us away? It's common sense, of course it would! And if you knew that, why get so upset in the first place that we've stopped coming to you for whatever we need?

Anyways, I have gone off topic.. so back to what I was supposed to be ranting about... my mom, me, and boys. My mommy thinks I'm a half-brained dimwit who is gonna run off with a boy and get pregnant and will spend the rest of my life, being weighed down by a baby, with a boy that would cheat/lie/misuse me, regretting the things I've done. But how would you know that, mom? What if all that did happen? But I won't feel weighed down by my babies, and for once.. I won't regret a decision I've made? What if I married early? What if even 30 years after.. we would both still be in love? What if we managed to raise the most beautiful and intelligent child the world has ever seen? What if even if I had an early marriage and had become a mother early.. I am still able to live the way I want to live? Have the career I've always wanted to have? And live a comfortable life? Well...

Dear Mother,

There's no reason to be afraid of the things your child could get into. The only way for a child to learn is through experience. I know you do this to me because you love me and because you care and you're afraid that I might end up regretting the things I do. I know that you are just trying to protect me from this one messed up world. When I was young, I remember you encouraging me to be more independent. But mother, how am I expected to be independent if you keep insisting on holding my hand?

You moan and groan about me not being independent enough. But do you realise the reasons for that? For me not being independent? Sometimes I wonder if you are afraid for me because you yourself feel some sort of regret. Do you regret having me, mom? Do you regret marrying dad? Are we just a burden to you? Are those your reasons for protecting me so much? Or is it because you are jealous and yes, a bit regretful that you never dated anyone else other than dad? So you want your kids to suffer as well. But did you really not have any other relationships with other guys other than with dad?

I envy those who are able to speak of their parents. Cos it shows how much closer they are to each other. I really wish I myself could tell my friends about how my parents met.. but I can't. Because I myself don't know how it happened. I don't even know why you married daddy. Do you really love him? Maybe you do, but most of the time, it doesn't even look like love to me. Is that what real love is? Is that what it's supposed to look like? Was I wrong to think that I knew more about what love supposedly is?

Well, I didn't know how to end/sign it. So I just plain didn't. I think I've pretty much calmed down by now. Anyways, over dinner my mom was like, "So. Who was this guy that you brought to the concert?" in this uber demanding, tell-me-or-else-I-will-poison-your-deserts-tonight sort of tone. I felt myself getting pissed, and I felt my face starting to feel hot and it was turning red. How I wish it didn't do that. It probably made me look like I was lying. Cos I was like this.

Huh? Which guy would she be talking about? I didn't go there with anyone. Sure, I did hang out with a couple of friends. So, which friend could she be talking about? Vincent? Darren? Aaron? Greg? Daniel? Hiwill (Don't know if I got his name right.. he's got such an unusual name that it's hard for me to remember it) ?? So, which guy?

So anyways, yeah.. those are the guys I mostly hung out with that night. So yeah.. I wasn't lying.

Learn to trust your daughter a little bit, can or not??

I think this entry might not make much sense. My mind was all over the place, again. And it's again, one of those long, boring, serious entries. One that people usually wouldn't bother commenting on. Oh well.