break time

Got this off minishorts.net

chasing rainbows says:
September 3rd, 2005 at 12:35 am

worst thing he’s ever done to me:

Started a relationship with me (my first) just before i went abroad to study (it was my dream Uni, and i fought very hard to get into it), utilised me FULLY when he came to visit me a month before a very very important final exam, stuck around when i was having my exams, went back and dumped me immediately after that (before my results were out, and a week before my b’day).

I was devastated. No only because i lost him, but also turned out i FAILED my exam and i had to REPEAT A WHOLE DARN YEAR because of the shit he created. i almost killed myself. twice.

I was eventually diagnosed to be clinically depressed and i have to depend on medications and therapists to keep me sane.

Now i fear of stepping into the class with my juniors. I’m wasting my youth, my money (like £25K per year on fees alone). My parents weep for me every now and then because i was always on the top.

Now i’m just a bunch of mess.

It's one of the comments she got on this post.

And how I relate to it. Not totally. Just some parts of it. Since there is no hate for me. There is no spite. And there probably isn't anyone to blame but myself.

I don't know who I can talk to about what I feel or what I'm facing at the moment. And it's all because I don't want to be a bother to anyone. That's why I blog.

I fear I'm trapped in depression. Don't think I'm depressed because I want to be. I don't. Who would?

I need purpose. To why I'm doing what I'm doing. Why am I doing engineering. Not for myself. Why would I be doing engineering for myself? To subject myself to such torture. To something I have no interest in? For my parents? Maybe. But that does not provide much motivation.

God? I would think that God would want His children to be happy. He gave us the freedom to be whoever we want to be, just as long as we're not overdoing it. I'm not cut out for engineering. And He knows it.

But then again, He wants us to obey our parents. And my parents say, do engineering. So yeah. But that again, that isn't motivation enough.

Sigh. I'm doing something I'm most likely gonna regret. In fact, I'm starting to regret it already.

I love my parents, despite how much I bitch or say bad things about them. I still want to make them proud. But isn't there some other way I can do it? Without them looking down on me if I chose not to be an engineer?

In need of a good cry.. a good cry meaning to have someone there with me to hold me close without having to say a word and letting me let it all out.. Yeah, I'm a sucker for romance. So sue me.

I'm so tired. Physically and mentally. Tired of everything. I need a break from life, if that's possible..

Meh.