thoughts that swim

Foohh.. what a day.. oh man.. *buries face in hands, mutters* I hate my life.

Should've known it would've been too good to be true for someone like me to ever find someone that could love me, that would love me, and appreciate me for who I am.. and to accept me the way I am.

Was that girl sincere and truthful saying the things she did? If she was, then why only now tell me all these horrid things? Why not sooner? She's been on my MSN contact list for ages now. Why only now when I'm filled to the brim with doubt and insecurities, that she decides to come around and tip me over? *stab stab* Why only now, when she probably realises that I'm at my weakest? That she tells me these things? Is she after Rafie? Is she being truthful, sincere? Why did she even bother telling me these things? And now? Why not sooner? Fooh.. and I don't even KNOW her. Not even things like, how old she is or even her name. People nowadays are so hard to trust.. you never know their true intentions..

These questions plague me. I have to live with them night and day. They have robbed me of my sunshine, my smiles, my laughter, my appetite, my sleep.. what's worse is that.. I can't find the answers to the questions my mind hungers for.. I can't be sure of it.. when I think back and remember all the memories Rafie and I share.. the times we spent together.. the way he always took care of me.. all the money he's wasted on me.. all the time he's spent on me.. and how it felt so real.. how his love for me felt so real.. heh.. remembering how truly happy I was.. I feel sure again.. that he IS for real.. that he wouldn't do all the things that girl said..

But with the lack of communication we've been having lately.. me not knowing what he's been up to.. it's hard.. especially when it's been going on for weeks.. this lack of communication thing.. it's hard not to believe some of the things that girl said. I feel like.. I just need to talk to someone else who also knows Rafie.. instead of that girl. Someone I could.. trust.. I thought of Syafiq.. and I wanted to go over to his house this afternoon to talk to him.. but I couldn't contact him at all.. sigh. Everytime I talked to him about Rafie.. heh.. yeah.. he always said that Rafie truly does love me.. and he would always say how lucky I am to have him. Although Syafiq sort of dislikes him.. I just felt like I needed to hear it from him again.. who better, eh? Than someone who doesn't like Rafie but still believes that we're great together?

Was I just too naive..? That I missed all the signs that could've showed me that Rafie was a player? Or am I drowning in so much sorrow that I choose to believe that girl instead of the one who's been loving me for 6 months now? I'm so pitiful and pathetic.