Friday, July 22, 2005

the amityville horror



Dear Amityville Horror movie,


You've disappointed me so.


Signed,
Disappointed.


Hah. Just got back from watching The Amityville Horror with the other mentors from the camp. Not all of us were there though. Only and Zack Tiang, Roger, Cheryl, GT, Pam, Hiew, and Abel were there. Mel was there for dinner but she could not make it to the movie because she had to go see her family.

It started out with a meeting at campus today at 5pm. I'm gonna be involved in the O-week (orientation week) for the degree program next week. Sigh sigh. No time to rest. I should probably be taking this time to rest. But I'm not. I just finished my exams today. I'm certain to repeat again. I know I'm gonna fail again. I'm so scared of disppointing everyone. Sigh. Next week was supposed to be the one week break before the degree programs starts. If I pass, I'll be going into my 1st year next next week. Meaning that since I'm gonna be busy with orientation next week, I won't be getting any rest at all. And my aunt is coming over from KL tomorrow! Hopefully, I'll have enough time just to spend some time with her. That's all I'm hoping for. My cousins who are living in Singapore would also be coming here next week. Sigh sigh. I wanna spend time with them too.

I wonder.. what people have against the Curtin Volunteers. I personally, never begrudged them before and I still do not have anything against them. Sure, I thought that they were a bunch of really noisy people who liked to always be in the centre of attention, being in the spotlight. I dislike that kinda attitude. But I never hated them for it. But I have to admit, the act they put up, made them seem like they always thought highly of themselves. That they're better than others.

I guess that is why people do not like the CV! (Curtin Volunteers) people. By the way, I never actually did volunteer myself to be a part of these people. You could say I was pulled in when they chose me to MC for Cultural Night and then thought that the Curtin Camp would be a good opportunity to train us. I don't even know if I'm considered a Curtin Volunteer. And now, they want me to also help out with this O-week thing.

A friend asked me today, "Why are you working for Abel??" and I'm like.. "I'm not working for him." After that, he was like, "Yeah! You know.. all these Curtin Volunteers thing.. they call it Curtin Volunteers, but did you know that you all are actually working for him???" Yes, I do realise that. Thank you very much. No, I'm not mad at him. No use getting angry. I do realise that different people would look at these things differently. No matter what you do in this life, they would always be people who would look at you disapprovingly. Anyways, I replied him, "I don't mind anyways.. at least I have fun doing it." And in reply, he said, "Well, you can always have fun in some other ways what!!" Right. Sure, there is always other ways to have fun. But not always, are those other options presented to you. True?

Anyways, after the meeting we all went to Bintang Plaza for dinner at Pizza Hut and then it was off to the movies. Roger kept wanting to take off his spectacles just so that he won't be able to see what was going on screen. Pam was hiding beneath a jacket the whole time. Abel, Hiew, and I thought it was disappointing. That was for sure. Don't know what the couple (GT and Cheryl) thought of the movie though. Hah. I expected more of it because of all the things people were saying about the movie. That it was good lah. That it was scary lah. Skali tengok... sikda pa pa pun.. Not scary enough!! Not scary, at all!!!! I was hoping for a movie that would scare the shit out of me. Damn.

Moving on... I think Cheryl and GT are such a cute couple. Hehe. Kinda jealous.. well, not really. Hah. Just now, they wore matching t-shirts and it was clear that they had both just gone to the hair saloon recently together. Both of them sporting new hairstyles and all that. So adorable. And they're almost always together. So cute. *lets out a wistful sigh*

I know the title of this post was The Amityville Horror but most of this post was not even about the movie. Oh well..

Sunday, July 17, 2005

curtin camp 2005

Ahhh!! My turn to write about the Curtin Camp 2005 "Lifelong learning, learning for life". Hehehe. Seems like everyone else except me have written about it already. Get ready for it. Cos this is gonna be a looooooooong one.

Curtin Camp 2005. I have to say, that that was the most fun I've had in Curtin, ever. And I would definitely do it again, if given the chance. Hehehe.

How did I get involved in the first place? Well, I was one of the five handpicked to MC for the upcoming Cultural Night. But before that, Mr. Abel wanted to train us. So, he made us all mentors for the Curtin Camp 2005. ;)

One of the best experiences ever, and one that I definitely would not forget. *grin*

A few days before the actual camp, all of us, me, Roger, Tiang, Iqbal, Pam, Mel, Hiew, Wisdom, Cheryl, GT (Guan Thai), and Mr. Abel, had meetings every evening which lasted hours! Which caused me tummy pains. From not eating at proper times. Boo. =( Oh well. Was actually apprehensive about joining the camp at first because of the upcoming exams as well as the assignments and projects that were still due. Epps!! But I didn't pull out. This other guy, Oscar, who was also supposed to be another mentor for the Curtin Camp pulled out at last minute though. I pity him.

During those meetings, we discussed about the camp, and also learnt a few new dances. Oh man. Hahaha. I have to be honest, I don't dance. I think I'm horrible at it. Hahaha. But okay, fine.. I didn't want to be a spoilt sport. We all learnt the Jungle Song and also Lean on Me as well as I Will Survive. Hahaha!! Should have seen us. Oh gawd. The I Will Survive song.. that was hilarious. Anyone want me to teach them the dance? Hahaha! The meeting on Wednesday was the worst. Because I've been on campus since noon, practicing with my group the Jive dance for our upcoming performance on Cultural Night. Then after I was done with my group, I went over to Pei Ee's house together with Wani and practiced some more with them there. Then had to go for the meeting at 5pm. And that was when they taught me the other dances. Danced till 11pm!! Could say I danced for almost 10 hours straight! Hahaha. Where do I get the energy to do it all, eh? I guess it's just cos... yeah, I love dancing. Only that I can't dance. Hahaha.


Day 1 (08.07.05)

10.30am. We all meet one more time before the camp. Wooo... the kids would be coming anytime now. Epps. But before they all came, we all got to "officiate" the camp site by just sitting around and walking in and out of the tents. Lol.


Hello. Welcome to Hell. We would be your slave drivers for this weekend. Please enjoy your stay!


The bonfire. Where we burn our mentors.


The calm before the storm.


Officiating the tables and chairs. ;)

2pm!! The kiddies start coming in. Time to help with the registration and stuff. Was in charge of registering the kiddies from SMK Lutong. About a total of 16 from that school. But overall, there were 120 kids from 7 different schools in Miri there. Fuyoh! *heart starts beating faster* Anyways, we all stuck temporary nametags onto their backs. The kids were like, huh?? Why are you sticking my nametag on my back?? But there's a reason for that. The reason being that we as humans, love to mengumpat behind people's backs. And when other kids see your names behind your back, they will start talking about you and they will also know your name! Hahaha. Just one of the ways we all planned to break the ice.

Anyways, at about 3pm, everyone had registered and we brought everyone to the camp site for the lauching of Curtin Camp 2005 where the dean of Curtin, Professor Ruth Marquis, officiated the opening of the camp. Kesian everyone. Standing under the hot hot hot sun at 3pm! Imagine that. Haha. After that, we ushered everyone off to the cafeteria where everyone had tea break. Everyone was complaining about the drink though. Cos they served everyone hot coffee. Hahaha! I know everyone was actually hankering for some cold drinks. Too bad for them. Too bad for me too since I don't drink coffee. So I just had some nice cold water from the water fountain nearby. Hehe.

After that was the first session. Curtin's own "little dinosaur" a.k.a. Sham or as she does not like to be called, Miss Shamsul, did most of the talking. Wooo.. found out that she was also once in the army. Cool. Definitely. This year, instead of telling the kids the rules of the camp, we let them set their own rules. Which they did very well. *clap clap* Then, it was time for the ice breaker. Everyone had to sit in one huge circle. Then, following their names, we all had to stick the names of several animals behind their backs. Those are the like, the groups that each of them had been appointed to. The groups are the Snakes, Elephants, Dogs, Cows, Ducks, Penguins, Cats, and last but not least, the Kangaroos. Hehe. I was the mentor for the snakes.

Then, they all had to go around and find others that are also of the same group without making a sound. Plus, they don't actually know which group they belong to since they can't see what was pasted on their backs. Really interesting just watching them. Haha. But they all managed to do it. Smart kids. So, now that they were in their respective groups, it was time for us mentors to introduce ourselves to each of our groups. Then, in 10 minutes, they all had appoint a leader and an assitant leader as well as to come up with a group cheer. All in 10 minutes! Yada yada yada.. they were also given a task/assignment. Which was to come up with a new creation/invention that may be used in the year 2010. They were given straws, manila cards, colour papers, markers, colour pencils, etc etc etc.

After that, time to hit the showers! All the mentors had to escort our kiddies to the showers which was at the hostel. Long walk! Tiring! I had to make 2 trips! Mok mampus dah. Hehe. Anyways, after that one time, we decided to scrape that idea of having a shower schedule and let the kids sort it out themselves. First come, first serve. Thank goodness. We mentors were supposed to also have enough time to shower and change ourselves but in the end, we didn't. Cos all that ushering the kids to shower and trying to get them to shower quickly took too much time. So, the rest of us remained sticky and smelly. How uncomfortable.


Going up? Hehe. Going up to the VIP lounge.


The Bal's turn to get in the picture. Hahaha.

Had another session later that night after dinner. Then, it was time for the kids to start coming up with a plan for their concert the next night! Man, we're really torturing them, eh? Hehehe.

11.30pm - Time for everyone to sleep! We all went to the campsite to say goodnight to all our campers. Aren't we such sweet mentors? =) After that, drove home cos I wouldn't be staying overnight there. Hehe. Found Aaron and Greg still awake and using the computers. Wanted to use cos my baby snakes said that they needed the lyrics to a particular song. So, I waited. Decided to take a nap on the floor while I waited. Tertidur instead!! Woke up at 5.20am!! Rushed like mad to shower and drove off to campus.


Day 2 (09.07.05)



See the kid in blue? He's probably wondering why the hell he joined this camp. Haha.

Arrived in campus at about 6.15am. Saw everyone outside exercising already. I was like, "Oh shit, I'm late." till I looked around and noticed that Pam wasn't there yet. Hahaha. So I was like, "Kekekeh.." Am I evil? Hehehe. So yeah, that day Pam was the one that was late. And she missed the morning exercises. After that, breakfast, then it was off to the lecture theatre for the third session. More talks. Then, tea break at 10.30am.

11am - another session, another talk. Then 12.30pm, lunch time!! Food food food.. yum yum.

After that, was the Tasting Learning sessions where the kids would get to experience the classroom environments. They each get to have a taste of 2 courses. We girl mentors had to handle the groups whilst the guys went off to prepare for the telematch. Not fair, I rather be out there helping out with the preparations for the telematch instead of sitting in a boring classroom. After the Tasting Learning sessions, it was time for tea! And also time for the kids to get ready and changed for the games & telematch.

The first game was.. for them to tie their hair with as much rubber bands as they could! And then, by the end of all the games, we would count how many rubber bands each of them managed to keep. Hehehe.. So funny! Everyone with their new hairstyles and all. ;) Some of them really adorable. Hahaha.

Here are some of my baby snakes doing so.


Hehehe. Monkey hierachy. Lol.


Lice inspection!! Very important.


Everyone, just waiting for the games to start.

All I can say is that.. it was so unfair that they restarted the tug-o-war game. Cos my group was winning!!! Boo!!! Boooooooo!!!! I know both Hiew and Mel would say that it was unfair as well. Enough about the games.

After that, everyone went to freshen up for the concert later that night. Some did their last minute preparations for the concert. We mentors all finally managed to take our showers and get all dressed up for the night. Abel wanted all of us to wear white t-shirts and for us to change our hairstyles to something we wouldn't usually do. So guess what I did...

... I got pigtails. Oh, the shame.


The mentors performing for the kiddies. Did you notice the two very lanky guys at each end? How about the retard with pigtails in the middle? Kekekeh.


Man.. I look so retarded here.


Ah... Iqbal, Abel, and Zack, dancing whilst the rest of us were left out in the cold.. pushed to the back as backup dancers.. *sobs*

Oh yeah, those kids.. are so talented. They were that amazing. Personally, I did not expect them to do such a good job with the amount of time they had to prepare for the concert. And yes, I was proud of my kids although I was a bit worried that they might not be able to pull it off. But they did. And they did great. :P Haha. And OMG, Roger is just so lucky to be mentoring the kangaroo group. They had so many talented people in that group. They all danced, sang, and there's this guy. There was Dennis who played the keyboard very very well. Haha. Of course I knew he could do it. I remember the bloody kid once playing the keyboard whilst talking to his friend at the same time. Show off. :P Hahaha. Then there was Endang who sang soooooooooooooooo well!!!! Jealous!! She was performing Misha Omar's Bunga-bunga Cinta. And.. oh gosh.. she sung it just as well if not better than Misha Omar herself! Then this other boy, and this other girl who both could also sing very well. Unfortnately, I cannot recall their names. Haha.

I know Dennis earned himself a lot of fans that night. ;) Hahaha. The girl mentors included. I was just proud of him. Awww.. *gush* The other girl mentors (Pam & Mel) went absolutely gaga over him. Eurgh. That's just so weird. Number one being, Dennis is my friend, and number two, he's younger than you guys! Hahaha. That it's just so weird seeing people react that way over him. Not used to it. Maybe I'm jealous. Haha. Nah, just weird lah! I'm not used to having to share. Lol. He's my friend. *pouts, merajuk* Hahahaha. Just kidding.

My group did this Curtin Idol sketch. With all the singing and dancing and acting. They did better than I expected them to. Haha.. I really underestimate them too much.

After all the performances, and after all the food, it was time for everyone to just get down and party! Fuyoh.. almost everyone danced. Cool. Hahaha. It was like some huge clubbing scene. Not like I've ever been clubbing before.. *blush* but you know what I mean.


Everyone, just having a good time.

And I have to say, never ever, have I danced so much as I did in those few days. Hehe. Cos there would always be some music playing and everyone would just get up and dance then we would keep doing the Jungle Song dance for the campers, etc. Haha. Anyways, after that, everyone went off to finish their assignments. It was probably already midnight by that time. The mentors all sat around the lecture theatre foyer just discussing about who should be elected Mr and Ms Curtin Camp 2005 as well as various other titles.

After we were done, and we finally managed to agree on someone, we all went back to the VIP lounge, where along the way, we saw all the groups, some gathered along the corridors, some in the Library building, working on their assignments. Fuyoh. Anyways, I went home at close to 2am. This time I slept in my own bed!! Not on the floor. Haha!


Packing up to go back to the VIP lounge. Sempat posing again. ;) Biasalah.. mentors are such camera whores. :P

Day 3 (10.07.05)

Woke up late! Hahahahaa!!! Was supposed to wake up early since we were supposed to have a treasure hunt early in the morning. Hahaha. And I was one of those who was in charge of the treasure hunt. Ahakz. Malu eh. *blush* When I arrived in campus, some of the groups had already finished the whole thing. It was 7.15am when I arrived. The campers were all walking around the campus like zombies, still in their pyjamas, with their sleepy eyes. Haha. Some probably did not even sleep and most slept at only 3am after completing their assignments.

Felt oh-so-bad for coming in late. Oh well, the day before, it was Pam who was late. I guess it's my turn now. :P Hahaha. Whilst the kids went off to shower, the rest of us went to have our breakfast. Then at 9am, the campers had another session with the lecturers. Oh. This time, the session was all about sharing with everyone what you have learnt during the camp. For this, everyone went outside to the foyer and sat in one huge circle again. Then we all had to share with everyone what we have learnt, depending on who got picked. If you got picked, you had to go up to the microphone that was set up in the middle of the circle and talk. The mentors weren't safe from this. Cos even we could get chosen. Hahaha. Eventually, all us mentors started sitting with each other at the back, hiding. Haha! I know I'm not saying much about the Sessions.. but.. I'll provide links later to others who maybe
actually bothered writing about it. Haha!!

One of the campers commented on how inspiring it was seeing all the mentors because we always had fun with each other. She commented on how much she loved watching the mentors during the concert because we all danced, ate, and had fun together. Like one big family. Little did she know that some of us, especially me, have gotten to know each other only a few days before the camp itself. Hah! Anyways, after that, it was time for a tea break!

Then, at 11am, it was back to the lecture theater and it was time for the campers to finally show off their inventions!! Man, they were good. Pretty amazing what these kids could do in such a short amount of time. I have to admit though, that I was falling asleep. At first, all the mentors were all standing by/sitting near their own groups.. but pretty soon, all of us had gathered, sitting about on the steps, so that we could all keep each other awake. Haha.

Roger was afraid of falling asleep because he did so on the second day and was caught by Abel. Jeng jeng jeng!! Hehe. The elephants did a great job on their presentation. My group, the snakes, however, probably had one of the weirdest inventions ever. Their invention was just the cutest/dumbest thing ever!! It was called the Coco Spycam and it's like this.. it's actually this artificial coconut tree that you leave out in your garden, and then if a burglar comes by, one of the so-called coconuts would jump out from the tree and start following the burglar around with it's artificial legs. Plus, it can also turn invisible so that the burglar won't be able to see it. It can also call the cops for you! Hahaha.. they even had a little demonstration and Miss Anita (one of the judges) said that the burglar acted like a drunken crab. Ah well, they are so adorable.

Then, lunch! Then, it was the Curtin R Us at 2pm. Bleh. It was where some of the marketing people would come by and talk about the courses offered as well as the fees, etc. Oh man.. they were so boring. The campers took this opportunity to sleep. Of course, we mentors wanted to join them.. but we are not supposed to show how tired we are to the kids. Abel said so. =( Hahaha. So there we all were, once again.. we all gathered together on the staircase. Keeping each other awake by talking crap. And taking stupid pictures with my handphone. Hahaha! I don't think the other mentors would appreciate me posting up those pics, so I won't. :P

After the marketing people were done talking, it was time for the lecturers that have been giving talks to the campers to come out for a little Q&A Session. The campers were allowed to ask them whatever they wanted. But whether or not the lecturers wanted to answer their questions was up to them. :P The lecturers that were present for that I think.. if I remember correctly.. was Yudi, Sham, Anita, Azlin, Arnold, Beena, and... if there were any others... I don't remember. Hah! The one that got interrogated the most during this session was Sham. Hahaha. Oh man.. the questions they asked her. Fooh! Hahaha. They also requested that Mdm Beena sing for them, but this time, one full song! Unlike the little preview she gave them in her earlier talk. Hehe. She can really sing. Oh ya.. so can another one of our lecturers in Curtin. Her name is Bai Yen. And the way she talks.. it just makes you really want to pay attention to her. And she's really interesting.

Haha. Seems like our lecturers are also a bunch of really talented people, eh? Anyways, right after that was the closing ceremony. So fast, eh? Professor Ruth Marquis gave out certificates to the campers, mentors, as well as the facilitators, then we all danced the Jungle Song. The dean joined in as well! Haha. Such a good sport. As were all the campers. ;) Also announced who were the Mr & Ms Curtin Camp 2005. Congrats to Sylvester and Rachel!!

Then, after that, was the flash presentation of all the events that have been going on in the past few days... Down Memory Lane.. too bad they played it straight out from the external harddisk they had plugged into the pc and that was why it lagged. Really potong stim!!! Boo. Oh well.

After that, it was time to head out to the LT foyer for the photograph and autograph session. Wheeeee!! Like a real celebrity. Hahaha. With everyone asking all of us to sign their folders, books, papers, and t-shirts.. asking to be taken photo with. Argh! I didn't mind having to sign stuff.. but I was kinda afraid of all those people who ask to take pics with them.. cos.. Heheh.. I always look horrible in pictures. Hah! The few pictures above proves it!!

And that was it for the Curtin Camp. I really miss those times. As do I miss all you other mentors!! Haha. Was glad for Cultural Night because it meant we could all still be together. With the exception of Iqbal. Sian. Will write about the Cultural Night another time. Hehe!


Iqbal wrote it like a report. Whoa!

Zack Tiang did a 2 in 1! Curtin Camp and Cultural Night. Fuyoh!!

Pam misses me too. Hehehe!!

Roger cherishes the times he had there.


Aww.. *sobs* Luv ya all.

relentless


Me and my bro, being retarded. =)

R E L - E N T - L E S S!!

Haha. Just got back from the Relentless Concert that was at this SIB church at the top of Canada Hill. Some people from KL came all the way to Miri to perform. =) They were alright.




Ah. They made me cry. Jahat. I hate it when people pray over me. I hate it when people show they care. Hate it. Okay, this was what happened.. we were all sitting on the floor.. listening to a talk from some guy from KL. Oh yeah, his name was Daniel.. Anyways, after his talk (which was great, btw) he made us all close our eyes.. and said that if any of us wanted to be prayed over, if we've gone through some bad times.. if we think we need it.. we should raise our hands.. then someone would come by and pray over you.



The others did, I didn't. Cos.. I don't know.. ego lah.. Heh. Then after that, we all stood up. The ones that had raised their hands had these counsellors by their side. Each person had one cousellor each. Fuyoh. That's a lot of people altogether. Then suddenly someone just came up to me and put her arms around my shoulder. I was like "Ah???" Heheh. And she starts praying over me. And that's when I started tearring up. Oh gosh. How embarassing. I was actually cursing myself under my breath.. like, Kim, you are so pathetic. Why the hell are you crying?? Stop crying!!! But yeah, couldn't help it. Boo.

It's just that.. she was praying over me.. telling God.. She is beautiful.. Forgive her, lord.. God loves you, you know that, right? God will always forgive you.. etc etc etc.. What was going on in my head.. No, I'm not.. I'm a sinner.. I've done so many bad things.. I'm not worthy of God's love nor His forgiveness.. and yeah.. cried. Boo hoo. So damn pathetic. Sigh.

Anyways, enough of that. My aunty Esther was there too. =) She's actually younger than me. But yeah, she's my aunt. Haha! She always complains that she feels so old whenever Aaron and I call her aunty. Muahaha. Even more reason to keep calling her that, eh? :P


Me and Aunty Esther!! Nice pic, eh? :D

Also took some rather dumb pictures with my friend, Mr. Darren Simunyi. Lol.





This next picture is just funny. Because it looks like Greg is taking a bite out of Nadine's head! Geez, as if he doesn't eat enough already.



Kekekeh. Oh yeah, Free 2 Be concert next month!! And altered frequency would also be coming here to perform!! Coolness.


Hehehe.. They're Malaysian. Yes. *grin* Love them. Although I've only heard about three of their songs. Hehe.. Go here to download some of their songs. And you should. They're great.

And with that, I bid you all, a very good night. =)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Personality Disorder Test

DisorderRating
Paranoid:Low
Schizoid:Moderate
Schizotypal:High
Antisocial:Low
Borderline:Very High
Histrionic:Moderate
Narcissistic:Low
Avoidant:High
Dependent:Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:High

-- Personality Disorder Test --
-- Personality Disorder Information --



Ah.. heheh.. *sheepish grin*

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

the interview with God

Everyone should really check this one out.

Go check out the presentation. It's so gorgeous.. and this presentation is just so inspiring.

So touching. It's just simply amazing.

This is The Interview With God.

Skip this next bit if you have not watched the presentation yet.







I dreamt I had an interview with God.

"So you would like to interview me?" God asked.

"If you have the time," I said.

God smiled.

"My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for me?"

"What suprises you most about humankind?"

God answered, "That they get bored with childhood, they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again."

"That they lose their health to make money, and then lose their money to restore their health."

"That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future."

"That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived."

God's hand took mine and we were silent for awhile.

And then I asked, "As a parent, what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?"

"To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved."

"To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others."

"To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness."

"To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them."

"To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least."

"To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply do not yet know how to express or show their feelings."

"To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently."

"To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves."

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else you'd like your children to know?"

God just smiled and said, "Just know that I am here."

"Always."

Thursday, July 07, 2005

my life is brilliant, my love is pure

James Blunt - You're Beautiful
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

(La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la, La-la-la-la, Laaah)

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

i'll be love's suicide

Remember when I said, I'll explain later in my i am almighty post?

I doubt you all do. Heh. But here I go anyway.

When I said "Ah, he's having a great time without me. Me? His Angel? Hah." What did that mean?

Well, the night before, we were chatting on MSN. And he had the words "I have met an Angel..." in his nick. Me, being the jealous type, asked him what's up with his nick. Expecting him to tell me all about this whole new wonderful girl he's just met because the night before, he had gone out with his brother and this whole group of girls. Sigh.

This was what he said in return:

Rafie "it was a dream I had..."
"needless to say, it was you..."
"and..."
"sigh.."

Me "what..?"
Rafie "the whole dream seemed to be about my entire life squeezed into 20 mins..."
"and how I was unhappy before you came..."
"and then you were with me... and then you were gone.."
"and how I was never happy ever again..."
"and it was like.. you had to be an angel..."
"because only an angel would have touched me so briefly.. yet left such a long, deep, irrepresible impression..."

Whether he was being real or not.. I can't be sure. Since he's always just hmmm... using/abusing his artistic/creative rights? What was it again? I forgot. Anyways, it's something along the lines of that. Sigh.. I would love to believe what he said, of course.. and in a way, I do. Maybe I'm just naive.

When I said "Sometimes, I don't mind.. being hurt. So I would listen and believe and then suffer the consuquences of insecurity." What I meant was.. you know, sometimes, yes, I do not mind getting hurt. I know that I will get hurt. I know that I will get hurt if I let myself believe he loves me. I would start thinking about what he's doing.. Sigh. It's harder to explain than I thought it would be. Heh.

I would go into his friendster knowing that I will get hurt from what I see. I would think of him, recalling all the good times we've had. They still do make me smile. =) It's only after, when I realise that, there won't be anymore of those times, that I feel sad. I know what is gonna happen. I know that I'm just going to be bringing myself down this way.

... does this make me suicidal? Or just in love?

Monday, July 04, 2005

birthday pictures

Okay.. anyways.. Here I am, blogging again. Just trying to make myself feel better, really. Anyways, about that movie, War of the Worlds, which Wani, Greg, and I went to see. Definitely worth watching. Kept me in suspense almost throughout the whole movie. Damn cool. The ending? Nah, I wasn't disappointed in it at all. The only thing I didn't like about the movie was that they didn't show how that boy, Robbie, managed to survive the whole damn thing and get all the way to Boston?! Opps. Spoiler. ;)

Anyways, after the movie, went to Kym's house. Went crazy, took many stupid pictures. Dikira those are my birthday pics lah! I'm posting them up to make up for the past few lame ass entries.


Greg was chewing on Kym's arm. Wahahaha. Cannot tahan lapar.


Uh...


Someone's watching you..


~_~


Me and my cousin, Greg.


Kim^2 - auditioning for Charlie's Angels.


Kym and Kim!! Nice shot. ;)


Kym took The Rock test, and passed!!


Wani and I decided to take The Rock test too. Unfortunately, we failed. =(


... but who's the real devil in this pic?


"Mess with the best, die like the rest"


Pain and Panic! Ahahaha!!!


-Fin-

lethargy today



I feel like throwing up.

I remember reading somewhere that that's one of the symptoms of depression.

I know I'm depressed.

I remember throwing up every single thing I ate back then.

I kept falling asleep today.

The comments on my last post was overwhelming.

I really don't know what to say. I'm speechless.

I feel sick.

I can't study like this.

I'm so gonna bomb my test tomorrow.

Sigh.

I'm stressed and depressed.

I can't let others see that.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

happy birthday to me

Yesterday, Kym called me in the morning just to chat and wish me a happy birthday. =) Thanks, Kym. And she asked me, who else had wished me happy birthday.. I said, "Oh, just friends.." and she asked, "What about him?" I acted dumb, like I didn't know what she was talking about and asked who. She was like, "Him lah.. Rafie." To which I replied, "Oh.. no.. he hasn't wished me anything.. In fact, I haven't even heard from him in days.." Then Kym was like, "He probably just wants to suprise you." Heh.. yeah.. I was suprised. No doubt about that.

I think he had forgotten my birthday.. because he only called sometime yesterday afternoon. When I was out with Greg, as we were going to watch a movie later that afternoon. And he mentioned reading my blog.. maybe that's what reminded him. Sigh. As soon as I picked up the phone, he started singing me a happy birthday..

Sometimes, after talking on the phone, Fie would play around and pretend to not have heard me say "I love you too" after he's said "I love you" to me and he would keep going "What? What? Oklahh.. I know you don't love me anymore. It's okay.. I understand." In his merajuk voice. I really wish he didn't do that sometimes.. I don't know lah.. I know he's just playing around.. I know he's just joking.. but sometimes it would just hurt so bad.. because it's like, he doesn't want to really hear me. He doesn't want to believe me. And it would just remind of the time I begged and cried (pathetic, I know) trying to convince him to change his mind, not to leave me, because I loved him more than he would ever know.

Anyways, went to sleep at like, 1am later that day. Rafie called me again at 4am. You know, I was happy to see his number on my phone, although I was still sleepy. Heh. But he had called to say that he's not ready to get back together. He's not ready to commit. Hard to believe. Coming from someone who is always in a relationship. Someone who actually made me overcome my fear of committing. I remember when we both just started out.. I was actually the one who was afraid of getting too attached.. I was the one who was scared to love him.. I was terrified that I was just gonna get hurt again. I tried not to cry during that phone call.. I failed, miserably.

But I did not cry just cos of him. I was crying for a multitude of things, really.. There is just so much pressure on me right now.. I feel stressed to the bone. It was my birthday.. I wanted to relax.. I wanted to feel loved. Instead, I felt tired, stressed, ugly. I felt so so ugly. I'm 19. I'm 19!! Why do I still look this way?? God, why did you have to make me so different? Went over to Kym's house later that afternoon.. played around with her digicam. Taking all sorts of stupid pictures. I looked horrible in every single picture that I was in. Sigh. I hate myself so much.. Rafie doesn't even wanna love me anymore. I know, I'm not interesting, I'm difficult, I'm boring, I'm ugly, I'm all the things people do not want to be.

I cried from all the thoughts that was going through my mind at that moment. I was thinking of all the work I had to do, I was thinking of all the classes I've skipped, I was thinking of all the responsibilities I've just been given, I was thinking of things my parents said.. I was thinking about how happy he's made me when he gave me that new hope.. and how my days got better after that.. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. But you know you can't expect me not to get it up just a little, right? I was thinking how I didn't need something like this.. not right now.. Not when he was the one who kept me going. Sigh.. I'm so stressed that I'm breaking out again. Shit.

After awhile on the phone, Rafie said that he was tired and that he should be going.. That's fine.. Sigh.. what hurt the most was that as we were saying our goodbyes, he still told me that he loves me.. and that he would always love me.. Just that he doesn't feel that he's ready yet. So, yeah.. off he went.. back off to dreamland.. I stayed awake, lying in my bed, crying even more into my pillow.. with thoughts swimming about my head.. I eventually fell asleep again when I got tired from crying, from thinking..

Happy birthday, eh?

Saturday, July 02, 2005

bee as a busy

I guess I would be going for the Curtin Camp thing. I hope I won't have to stay overnight... I've always been able to find an excuse for not having to stay overnight. Muahahaa.. I'm so evil. I made everyone else at camp jealous. Anyways, Cultural Night is gonna be on Tuesday (12th July, 2005). Cultural Night shouldn't even be called Cultural Night because it's name is kinda ironic.. because it won't be at night. It's gonna be from 5pm till 7pm. Should be called Cultural Evening instead! Hehe.

This is what happened yesterday. We all had our Moral Studies lecture. Lecture finished early so that Mr Abel can come in and brief us on what would be going down on Cultural Night. Anyways, when Mr Abel came in, there were these 2 camera people following him from behind. What lah!! Why are they following him around like that? Don't tell me he's got his own reality TV show now. Scary. My friend, McKinley, and I, who were team leaders of the only groups doing dance got interviewed by Mr Abel. Wahh.. like celebs leh.. with the camera focusing on us and all. Muahahaha.. Stupid stupid. This is how our chat went later that night:

McK: lolZ
McK: we were on camera!!!!
McK: omgggggg
Me: OMG!!!
Me: HAHAHAHAA
McK: loooolZZZZZzz
Me: keke

Memang sakai la we both! Anyways, I'm gonna be MC'ing for Cultural Night. Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! I'm no good at impromptu. I think. Although, I must say. Most of the time whenever I have a presentation for school, it's usually done impromptu. Haha. But.. I'm not funny. I'm not interesting! I'm boring!! I'm not the kinda person that people wanna hear from/look at. Boo.

Anyways, Mr Abel wants to train us first. He says he's gonna train us on the 6th and the 7th and then he wants us to be mentors for the Curtin Camp because he thinks it would be good exposure. *faints* The Curtin Camp would be on the 8th, 9th, and the 10th. Which is from Friday till Sunday. Hopefully, I would not have to stay over... Heheh.. *nervous* I'm scared of people.

Mr Abel said that he wanted to have a word with all the MCs after he's finished explaining about the Cultural Night thing. So, yeah, we all gathered at one corner of the lecture theatre and he was telling us what he wants of us. What he wants us to wear, how he wants us to act. Etc etc etc. And he was like, and if I managed to spot talent in one of you guys, you guys could go far. Lalalaa. I don't know. He started telling us about Kimmy, one of the engineering students, that he had put in an advert or something for Curtin, and the people over in Semenanjung saw the video and they offered Kimmy to come audition for them. And she did. Just on the day before yesterday. And she got the part! ;) Congrats, Kimmy!! Haha. Maybe she's gonna go on to be a movie star/tv star now. Hahaha. Well, all the best to her. ;)

There would be 5 of us MC'ing that night.. Wisdom, Melanie, Pamela, Hiew, and I. Abel wanted all of us to wear traditional garb.. but since I was gonna be performing as well. He just said, "Okay, you can just be modern day girl then." And I was like.. -_-" Hahaha. Oh well. Kim!! I think I may have to borrow your skirt again. Hik hik!! Fuyohhhh... so busy now.

Dahla.. I have to find more dancers!! Train them to jive in just.. hmmmm.... 2 weeks?!?!! Ah, crap. Tambah gik the assignments and tests I'm gonna have. Plus, the MC training and the Curtin Camp. Then the rehearsal on Monday and then Cultural Night on tuesday!! *_*

I'm 19 today. Hurrah for me. My last year as a teenager. =) I didn't really make to make it such a big deal this year. Maybe just cos I'm tired. Haha. I just want to chill out this year. Sorry guys.. no party this time. No more throwing flour on me. :P No throwing me into the Curtin lake. Muahaha. You guys can't get me!~ Na na nana na na! Anyways, this is my latest picture. Just taken few days ago. See the necklace? That's the one Rafie gave me. =) Hurm.. he's the only one who has not wished me a happy birthday... =( Oh well.. I guess he's just busy or something.. Haven't heard from him in the past few days either.. Doesn't reply my smses, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't reply me on MSN.. I've no idea where he's disappeared off to.. Oh well, like I said, I didn't want my birthday to be such a big deal this year. So, it's fine. =) He doesn't need to wish me a happy birthday.. all I really want to hear him say is that he loves me.