the end?

Here's a little picture of me.. Was just trying to learn how to post up pictures in this fashion but heh.. I guess I won't be using it anytime soon.. What am I talking about? Well, I've been thinking about quitting this whole blogging business. Heh. Seems like it's nothing but trouble.. So.. we'll see.. I doubt anyone even reads anything I post anyhow. So yeah. =) We'll see..

the ruling, #1 msian studies group.. hell yeah, you better believe it. We rocked!!

The ruling msian studies group
Originally uploaded by fallen86angel.

Oooh.. yeah! And here's my first sem Malaysian Studies Group. I just love this picture.. =) Starting from the top left corner going clockwise is Wani, Cheryl, Ramma, Rachel, Calvin, and finally in the middle, Me!! I remember we all used this picture in our Malaysian Studies project. Teehee. Which we all got the highest marks for. *sinister grin* Must be cos of all our pretty pictures, no? ;) We deserved it anyway. For working so hard on it. For staying up all night the night before our project was due just starting to write the biography of one of the local leaders. Haha! But really, we DID deserve it. For going around neighbourhoods (walking) in the hot hot sun, collecting information and surveys, for interviewing the Temenggung, for scanning some of the Temenggung's pictures, for the ink that went to waste in printing out the project. Hehe.. yeah.. it was cool. Funny how everyone started drifting off to sleep one by one in every corner of my house.

I remember.. even that night.. everyone was still so relaxed.. surfing the net, listening to music. Oh yeah.. I remembered how everyone brought their own laptops over... and we were all sitting in the music room. With about 5 or 6 laptops crowding the place. Good thing that my house has wi-fi, eh? ;) That was cool. Too bad I can't post up a pic of us all chilling here in the room. Well, blame my dad. He reformatted my old pc without my knowledge, and poof! there goes all my files, my songs, my pictures. I hope they went off peacefully. May they Rest In Peace.

cousins

Counsins & bro
Originally uploaded by fallen86angel.

Well well well.. I just remembered I had an account at flickr. Yeah, that's a price tag right there on my cousin's nose. This picture was taken at the toy shop with my old Nokia 3200. And yeah, I'm related to that weirdo in the background. -_-" Lol..

of mosquitoes and curtin students

What is with all these mosquitoes nowadays?? I have managed to gather up quite a number of mosquitoe bites over the past few days. I should be proud. I mean, just on my right arm.. I already have like... 8 mosquitoe bites!! Try to add in the mosquitoe bites I got all over the rest of my body, my legs, my feet, my back, my face. -_-" It's not a pretty sight. That I can tell you. But I've noticed that there has been a sudden boom of mosquitoes in Miri.

Oh gawd... It's hell. Since I'm prone to mosquitoe bites cos mosquitoes are attracted to me. Bla bla bla. Everywhere I go now, I see mosquitoes flying around. At home, in the car, in the restaurants, everywhere. >.<" And the itching... OMG!!!!!!! ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! Help help!! They're so unbearable!! Even as I'm typing this.. I have to fight the temptation to scratch.... but I can't stand it. I have to. And the itching isn't restricted to just one spot. NooooOOOOOO.... it's all over your body. The mosquitoes are just having their fun in making you play Twister by yourself with all those spots on your body!! "Ooohh.. why don't we bite her there next?? See if she manages to stretch all the way there while scratching the other spot? Oooh, what fun!!" GaaaaHHHHHHHH!!! Hate! Hate! >.<

I'm about ready to move into my own little plastic bubble just like Bubble Boy. What's unfair is.. that.. my brother doesn't get bitten at all!!! Grrrrrrr... at least my little sister is also just like me. Mosquitoes are just as attracted to her as they are to me. Hmm.. who knows how many mosquitoes are sucking away at my feet right now, eh? Oh, and there goes another mosquitoe.. flying right past me.

I blame this sudden boom of the mosquitoe population to Curtin students. There cannot be any other reason for it. What with Curtin students going back home for their 3 month holiday and all. The mosquitoes have no more unnatural enemies to keep the general mosquitoe population down. Geez, Kim, what do you think these Curtin students even do to keep the mosquitoes at bay just for you, hmmm?? Why, simple, eat them of course. It's all just logic. Curtin students must eat mosquitoes. Why else the sudden boom of the mosquitoe population once all the Curtin students leave Miri for their hols, hmmmm?

I think, the mosquitoes are making me sick. In the head. If not already.. more so now. -_-" Yes, I do realise I'm a Curtin student myself.

Manual : How to Rule the World

I found this really useful manual on the internet. --> How to Rule the World with a Pair of Nailclippers. It should prove to be really handy in the future. Oh heck, right now even. Why wait, right?

i'm not okay (i promise)

What is depression anyway? Yeah.. so.. what is it? Lately, I've been feeling really low. Really low. And I just can't... get out of it... sure, I laugh, I smile.. but they're all fake and after all that.. I'm back again where I started.. that feeling of emptiness.. I've completely.. lost whatever motivation I ever had.. Is that being depressed? I don't want to do anything anymore..

Everything I do now.. is just.. forced. I force myself to wake up.. force myself to take that shower.. force myself to eat.. everything. Force myself to try and act normal. Mind numbingly doing my chores..

And.. Why is it that now.. I'm so affected by what people say? Not like I never was affected by the things they say before.. sure I was.. but I was always able to shrug it off, find a distraction and start the healing process. It sucks.. being stuck this way..

There's also that feeling.. guilt. GUILT. GUILT! I don't even get.. why.. should I be feeling that way.. I've been good lately. I swear.. though, yes, I still mess up. But never on purpose.. and so they start pouring that hot cauldron filled to the brim with blame, hurt all over me. Oh yes, I suppose I'm wallowing in my own self pity at the moment and it's all really selfish of me. But anyway.. Cos of all this guilt.. I start feeling worthless. That, I know I am. I cannot contribute anything to this world. There is no place for me. I'm good for nothing. Except as a thing to bring laughter.. laugh at how lame I am, how ridiculous I am.. trying to make a place for myself in this world, thinking that I could somehow fit in somewhere. A thing for people to pile their shit on. Which isn't such a bad thing really.. at least then.. I'm not so worthless.

... oh well.

"Geez, get some professional help, woman!!" says that voice again

Who am I kidding.. sigh.. I'm a wreck.. It's awful not having someone to run to.. when bad things happen.. having to keep everything to yourself once more.. get through everything yourself.. without anyone to share your burdens with.. It's awful not having someone to depend on.. I miss him so much.. he doesn't miss me at all.. Sure.. he said he loves me.. but he never did say anything about missing me... sigh.. He's probably feeling oh so relieved to be rid of me.. this wreck.. who is nothing but trouble.. He doesn't want me online on MSN.. but he's still there.. online.. I bet he's having fun.. chatting with everyone else.. not being disturbed by me.. for once, being able to chat in peace.. not being brought down by me and another one of my fucked up problems. Well, actually, I'm his fucked up problem. So just with me being around him is already a problem in itself. Sigh.. He's the one that wanted us to take a break from each other anyway.. sigh.. heh.. first day and already he goes down to the beach.. celebrating his new found freedom, no doubt.

He says not to worry? Sigh.. how could I not?? The first time someone suggested to me that we took a break from each other.. someone that I trusted.. he left me for someone else. I could not go through that again.. I won't last. Especially not with this one.. heh.. this one's just too special to me.. sigh.. but.. sigh.. I shouldn't judge others based on my past experiences.. I know I do not want Rafie doing that to me. I do not lie. I will never cheat. But it's understandable how we're sometimes unable to believe the other.. just because of our past hurts.

Heh.. I seem to be blogging a lot more nowadays.. just to be distracted. Yeah.. that's all I look for nowadays.. more and more distractions. To keep my mind off him. Cos when I do.. it's all just.. whoosh! there goes Sanity out of the door and in comes Paranoia. A good friend who shouldn't visit for too long cos he just gets annoying. Ack! I'm using personifications now. That can't be good.

Sigh.. at least, you know.. in a way.. he still gets to hear from me.. by coming here.. I, however.. have absolutely no idea how he's doing.. hence all the paranoid thoughts finally getting through to me because I now don't have my Rafie to defend me from them.

... it sucks to cry.

musical chairs

Now THIS is what I call musical chairs!! ;) Enjoy!

baby, this one's for you

I really miss you, b.. Heh.. I know it kinda sucks but.. I hope you like it. I'm just gonna leave it here until I find a proper place for it. =) I love you..

CNY pic album

I like posting up pictures on my site and you can't stop me, so there! Nyeh!~

The food. Ooh.. yeah. Eh? Ada jugak someone hiding behind the chair there. Haha!


Uh.. What are they doing??


Lining up to receive angpows from grandma a.k.a. Mama. Aaron (in background) mesmerized by the wonders of a slinky. Who isn't, eh? :P


Dad, Mom, Mama. (From left to right, as if it isn't already obvious enough)


Grandma and Grandkids


The family


Me!! ^_^

he doesn't really need me, he just pretends to make me feel better

• This new template is driving me nuts!
• I need to brush my teeth.
• I'm so lazy to go out. Just wanna stay home and mope around the house. =(
• Sigh..
• Mmm.. yeah. He's out there having fun without me. Sigh.. he doesn't need me to be happy.
• Just.. sigh.
  

merajuk dah

I am hot, I am sweaty, I've been doing chores all afternoon, I am tired. I don't want to go to that bloody family day anymore. I never wanted to go in the first place but I just decided to be a good sport but that's just not working right now, and I've just gotten more mosquitoe bites from being outside. Gee, thank you. I just wanna go up to my room, turn on the aircon, and not come out, ever, and sleep!

... and I want Rafie. =( I miss him.

twin cancerous tigers - funny logic

Well, my little sister exclaimed yesterday while we were in the car on the way back from dinner that all her friends in school thought I was her twin sister. Haha! Aren't they so adorable? They all met me the other day when I came by Andy's school to join her for break. I sat at one of the tables at the canteen together with them. Why was I there? Well, my mom forced me to go join her for break actually cos my little sister apparantly wanted me to be there with her for some reason. It didn't seem like she needed me there at all anyway. When I arrived at the school, I saw several other mothers driving into the school, getting out of their cars, bringing along packed lunches, drinks, etc. -_-" Can't help thinking how spoilt these kids are. Their mothers come all the way from home.. just to meet them here for their 15/30 minute break. They're all in primary school now. I'm sure they would all be able to take care of themselves.

Anyways, they all said I was her twin sister cos apparently we both looked alike. Haha. So then my mother said, "How can you both be twins? Kim is bigger than you. So you both can't be twins." To which I then said, "Yalah.. we can't be twins, Andy. I'm younger than you." Haha.. Andy was all like, "How can? You're bigger so you're older!" I then proceeded to explain to her how it could be so.

Me: Andy, you're born in the year of the tiger, right?
Andy: Yes.
Me: Well, I'm also born in the year of the tiger. So we're both born in the same year, right?
Andy: Right.
Me: Your birthday is in June, and mine is in July. And July comes after June, right?
Andy: Right.
Me: So... that means that I'm younger than you.
Andy: Oh, okay.

Oh man! Don't you just love playing and messing with their heads when they're young?? Hahaha! Hehehe! >:) Actually, Andy and I are born almost exactly 12 years apart. Our birthdates are just off by exactly one week. Hehehe.

Oh well.. anyway, this evening we would all be going for our mom's family day thing. Aaron and I are gonna be helping out with the face painting. Mom, as usual, volunteered us again. Just like the last time at my dad's family day. Oh well. At least we get to massacre their faces. >:) Voluntary victims too.

Heh.. and oh man! My blog is starting to get all jiwang and mushy. *shudder* Hahaha! I creep myself out sometimes. :P Oh well. Hehehe. Rafie looked so smart today. ;) Hehehe. He was wearing a tie and all that. Going for a day of work at the office. Awww... so cute. His parents just asked him to help out around the office today. So.. yeah. Hehe. When it was almost time for him to go..

"Okay, dear. I have to go to work now."

"Alright. Have a nice day at work."

Can you imagine?? Hahaha. We sound so old like that. =) *muse* Can't wait? Hahaha! Well, gotta go now. Picking mom up from hair salon. >:) With the Honda Stream. My dad would proably freak if he finds out. Nyeheheh!!

WARNING : Rambling detected. Proceed? (Y/N)

For this entry, I shall be doing a lot of rambling. Thou has been warned. Last Saturday, my mom dragged me out along with my dad, my aunt, and my cousin to Bintang Plaza. I really didn't want to go. But she said that she wanted to get me new bedsheets since they were having sales. So I thought, oh well, might as well just go. Oughta supervise before she gets me something horrid. So I went. And was reminded once again of why I despise going to malls or even just going out on weekends. The CROWDS!! Argh!! Especially that whole Teen Scene thing. It just grosses me out. Why? They're all dressed alike. They all act alike. OMG. I totally lost count of how many girls I saw wearing that same plaited mini skirt. I still remember that phase they all had where they all wore the same shirts. The same styled shirt. The striped one with a white collar. Only that the stripes came in different colours. >.< And actually, they're just intimidating. Just cos I'm not like them. I wouldn't wanna be just like them anyway. Can you imagine.. just being a photocopy of other people your age? Without a sense of individuality? Style? It's just like.. you don't have a brain. You aren't able to make your own decisions so you depend on others to make them for you. And you strive so hard to be like others you're just not special anymore.

Anyways, hmm.. what else was I gonna ramble about...? Oh yeah.. I still haven't opened any of my angpows. Why? No mood. Heh. Seriously, I couldn't care less about them. Don't know why.. I suppose it's cos of all the things that's been going on lately. I know from my siblings that I'm probably gonna get more than I've ever remembered getting this year. Not saying how much though. :P Heh.. but still, the thought of it doesn't even excite me. Seems wasted huh? Oh well.

Sigh.. I don't know how long before I would be able to get over what's happened lately.. I really can't help but blame myself for everything. Rafie says I shouldn't.. that it's not my fault. But I know it is. Heh.. you could say I've been traumatised. I don't know. Just can't stop thinking about it.. and I'm living in constant fear that.. it might happen again. I'm just hoping that everything would go back to normal one day. Heh.. was thinking of all those times Rafie and I spent together. The first time we met in person. Couldn't stop grinning my head off... remembering all the fun we had. And then I remember what happened just recently.. and.. I just lose it. Heh.. but enough. I'm trying to not think about it so I better stop talking about it.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Oh, go check this out --> Everyone Has Had More Sex Than Me. Hehehe. It's hilarious. Cute too.

lost

I came so close to losing my baby last night.. or this morning actually.. Why he did it.. I have no idea.. other than it must've been me. It's all my fault. I pushed him to it. I made it seem to him that he had no other choice.

I'm at a complete and utter loss at what I should do next.. I don't want to have to let him go.. Everytime I think of him now.. I just.. I feel so lost.. so helpless.. I'm here.. and he's there.. If only I could be there.. to hold him.. to tell him how sorry I am.. that I love him.. that there can never be another.. I wish so much right now to just be able to hold him.. and not let go.. and not speak.. just to be close with him again..

He doesn't believe what I say anymore though.. I understand though.. and I don't blame him at all. After all the things I've done.. Heh.. It's just amazing that he can still say he loves me.. but.. sigh.. I don't know how long he would be able to keep it up.. I know I love him.. I've never loved anyone else as much as I love him.. I'm so horrible.. he's been through so much crap in his life.. he doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. Yet I'm the one to bringing him through it. He's really been through so much.. so much undeserved hurts.

I really admire him.. for his faith.. his hope.. his bravery.. his preseverance in everything.. but I've ruined it for him.. I've crushed his hopes and dreams.. Hopes and dreams I share.. Heh.. I know I would only be talking in riddles for everyone out there reading this. (I doubt anyone else would have bothered reading this far though) Everyone but Rafie. I'm sorry.. you have no idea how much I want them to come true too.. I believe in us.. I believe that we would be able to make it in the future if only we just kept the faith.. and keep on believing that true love is worth it.

B.. please don't get upset at me.. I never want to upset you.. I never want to hurt you.. I never meant to.. You've been through so much in your life.. I don't want to be another one adding to that.. all that hurt.. all that pain.. all that unnecessary suffering.. Sigh.. I'm really sorry.. Please forgive me.. I miss you so much, so badly. I'll always love you.

Happy CNY

And so begins the year of the cockerel. Teehee. Overall, I guess it's been alright.. I really enjoyed this year's fireworks. Better than last year. ;) My CNY didn't exactly start out quite so well though.. cos for one.. after the dinner, they immediately put me to work.. doing the dishes, hanging out the laundry, and then vacumming the floor. How would you have felt if you had been put to work.. you, alone, by yourself, without anyone else helping you.. just left alone like that when all you really want to do.. is to just try and enjoy your night with everyone else. Oh well, at least after that.. I managed to go settle down.. got out some ice-cream to calm myself down.. and then received an sms from my baby.. I thought that maybe he had gone to sleep.. well, we were already smsing before, you see. But then he didn't reply my sms.. so I thought that he must've gone to sleep.. good for him, you know. I know he hadn't been sleeping for the past few days.. cos of me. Let's just leave it at that.

So then I went over to the couch.. got out a book I have been reading.. and continued smsing my b while having some ice-cream. After awhile, nature called. Hehe. So I left my book on the arm of the couch, and made my way over to the bathroom. Unfortunately, the door was locked. Someone was inside. Right there and then, my mom told me to go follow my mom's friend, Aunty Linda or Aunty Lyn, as we all call her, over to her house to pick up somemore wine. She doesn't live far so it took only a minute or two to reach her house. We pulled up into the garage and got out where I was soon slobbered all over by aunty Lyn's two dogs. Yucks! But I had to let them sniff me and all that unless I wanted to get chased and bitten by them. Hehe.

Soon, I was standing in the front door of aunty Lyn's house, replying Rafie's sms.. in the direction of where I was facing was the house where a lady had been recently murdered by her daughter (adopted) and her boyfriend. Heh.. anyway, soon was back home again. Brought back 3 bottles of wine instead of the one that everyone was expecting. To which everyone went 'Wooooo...' when we entered the house carrying 3 bottles. We had to go to aunty Lyn's house to get more wine because the adults had already finished off the other bottles. Who know's how much wine they've had by now.

Pretty soon it was midnight and I found myself standing outside my gates.. watching the fireworks.. I decided to call Rafie then because I was not around anyone.. well, adults, at least. =) But it was too loud to really have a proper conversation what with all the fireworks and firecrackers that were going off. Oh well.. at least I got to talk to him.. although it was.. err.. only just like that. Heh.. what with the neighbourhood sounding like a warzone and all.

Hehe.. I am so immature. We (Greg and I) all left some unpopped 'Pop pop's on the road. And we would just stand by the road, waiting for a car to pass by and drive on them. Whenever one did, it would pop all the 'Pop pop's which would in turn cause us all to laugh maniacally as if we were so smart to do something like that. Hehe. Dumb kids. Yes, that's what we all are. I wonder if I'm ever gonna grow out of that kinda phase sometimes. Become mature. Become an adult. Scary thought, no?

Oh well.. Happy Chinese New Year all. =) especially to my b.. Rafie.. I love you, dear. I'm really sorry for what I've done.. for what I tried to do to you.. for realising a moment too late how lucky I really am to have you in my life.. to finally have someone caring for me.. taking care of me.. loving me.. unconditionally.. For being there for me.. time and time again whenever I needed you most.. I know I haven't been the best girlfriend in the world.. I know.. what I tried to do to you.. is unforgivable.. yet you still found it in yourself to forgive me.. although it didn't matter to me whether you ever forgave me for the things I did. In your eyes, I am special.. and you make me feel special. You are too. You are special to me. Ever since I first met you, I knew you were. You are the best boyfriend anyone could have but you chose me. I never understood why or how you could love someone like me.. but you did. Despite my many flaws, you did. And I promise to try to treasure you, as best I can. I need you, b.. and I truly do love you. You are perfect, b. And ever beautiful.. for you've got such a beautiful soul.. and you are a beautiful person.. In my eyes, you are.. although sometimes my vision is clouded by my human nature.. my doubts, my insecurities, my stubborness. But I will always love you. There would always be a special place in my heart for you.. I don't know for sure what the future holds for us.. But I hope that we would be able to make it, somehow. You took care of me.. and I really appreciate what you have done for me.. everything.. you made me feel like a little girl again.. being able to feel totally secure in your arms.. totally trusting you.. I'm really sorry.. I know.. it was all my fault. I don't know what I can do now to ever make up for it. I'm sorry... I really love you, b... this heart will always be for you.