disillusionments

This afternoon all I did was lie in bed, reading a book, and eventually reached a state of semi-conciousness. Eventually, I won the battle and managed to stay awake for a few minutes. I stayed there, just lying in my bed, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stickers I had on the ceiling.

I began to wonder.. what is love, really? I thought I knew. Now I'm unsure again. Do I love Mark? I miss him greatly, and the tears would start flowing whenever he has to go away. Not like he knows anything about it. But... it's just not the same. It's nothing like what I've been through before. For one, it's slow. Every other time I've fallen in love, it just happens so fast, you don't have much time to react. This time, things are just going slow and steady.

It's confusing.. and it's all just very new. It's a bit scary. It's hard to predict the outcome of all this.. What I'm really afraid of is just getting hurt again.

It's confirmed that most of my family and relatives know that we're going out together. Ever since the day my mom asked, "So, are you and Mark serious?" to when my grandma asked, "Is he your boyfriend?" to the recent happenings of Chinese New Year where I dragged Mark around to go visiting with me. Where he managed to meet most of my relatives. Still feeling very guilty about it cos of all the attention he got and of all the questions he had to answer, and of all the new people he had to meet, and of all the pressure he has now with everyone probably expecting us to get married or something. We've only been going out for 3 months.. even I don't want to think about it..

Sometimes I wonder if he really does love me too? He says he does.. but I don't think he misses me as much as I do him. He's always been there for me whenever I needed him so far.. I know I shouldn't doubt him.

Oh well, he's proven to me already how much he cares, that's for sure.. and that should tell me that he does love me. From all the times he's had to calm me down cos I was so stressed that I was hysterical, or from all the times I just got so worried that I would fall into depression, from all the times I cried and he just hugged me and let me cry into his shoulder and he would just talk to me to calm me down. Not to mention all the times I made him stay with me till early morning just cos I didn't want him to leave yet.

I even remember once being so very restless at home.. and when I'm restless, and if I'm not able to vent out my restlessness, I will get irritated, frustrated, and angry. It got so bad that I started taking it out on Mark. Later that night, close to midnight, he came over and brought me some salmon sushi to hopefully calm me down, eventhough he himself was pretty upset with me, and eventhough it was raining really heavily that night.

Yeah, I'm so spoiled. He's always doing something for me and I would still get upset with him at the end of the day at times.. Too many times already has he helped me out with something and yet, there's not one single thing that I can think of that I have done for him.

We've only had one really huge fight so far.. which is pretty amazing. We rarely fight. In other relationships where I actually loved the person I was with, we've probably had more than one fight after three months of being together. Yeah, cos when I'm with someone I don't really love, we don't fight. Even if we do, it's short, cos I don't really care even if he wins. Crude, I know, that's why I try to avoid having relationships such as those. I do not like using another person. It does not feel right, and it is not right.

Which is also probably why I only got a new boyfriend only 7 months after Rafie and I broke up. I didn't want to be with someone who's just gonna be a rebound guy for me. The feeling of being used is hurtful. It's like being someone's crutches and after their legs have healed, you are just tossed aside and forgotten. But then again, that's not a very good analogy to use, cos when someone's legs are healed, what's the point of them going on using those crutches?

After that, my eyelids felt heavy and my mind started feeling light and I started drifting off to sleep..

o rly? ya rly. no wai!

Have any of you been to orlyowls.com?

With their infamous phrases,


"O RLY?"

"YA RLY."

"NO WAI!"


Anyways, I made my own pictures too. Teehee. See?

orchard road

Orchard Road



The Christmas decorations at Orchard Road is just as expected, very nicely done and very special indeed. This year they had these speakers all along the sidewalks, each playing a different Christmas song, which were mounted on every few streetlamp they had. Also on the streetlamp was a little sign with the lyrics to the song so you could just stand there and sing along. Haha! Lucky for you guys, I have a 10 second video of it so that you would be able to experience it for yourselves!

regular decorated emergency

Panic! At The Disco


Artist: Panic! At The Disco
Title: Camisado
Album: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
Year: 2005

The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident
This was a therapeutic chain of events

This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
And it's not so pleasant
And it's not so conventional
And it sure as hell ain't normal
But we deal, we deal

The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
No it's not so pleasant.
And it's not so conventional
And it sure as hell ain't normal
But we deal, we deal

Just sit back, just sit back
Just sit back and relax
Just sit back, just sit back
Just sit back and relapse
Again
Can't take the kid from the fight
take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax
Sit back, relapse again
Can't take the kid from the fight
take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back

You're a regular decorated emergency
You're a regular decorated emergency

This is the scent of dead skin on a linoleum floor
This is the scent of quarantine wings in a hospital
And it's not so pleasant. And it's not so conventional
And it sure as hell ain't normal
But we deal, we deal

The anesthetic never set in and I'm wondering where
The apathy and urgency is that I thought I phoned in
No it's not so pleasant.
And it's not so conventional
And it sure as hell ain't normal
But we deal, we deal

Can't take the kid from the fight
take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax
Sit back, relapse again
Can't take the kid from the fight
take the fight from the kid

Just sit back, just sit back
Sit back, sit back, relax, relapse
Sit back, sit back, bababada
You can take the kid out of the fight

You're a regular decorated emergency
The bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake
You've earned a place atop the ICU's hall of fame
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again

You're a regular decorated emergency
The bruises and contusions will remind me what you did when you wake
You've earned a place atop the ICU's hall of fame
The camera caught you causing a commotion on the gurney again

Can't take the kid from the fight
take the fight from the kid
Sit back, relax
Sit back, relapse again
Can't take the kid from the fight
take the fight from the kid
Just sit back, just sit back
Sit back, sit back, relax, relapse
Sit back, sit back, bababada
You can take the kid out of the fight

The I.V. and your hospital bed
This was no accident
This was a therapeutic chain of events

Download the song.

Introducing to you, Panic! At The Disco. I think everyone should start listening to them, now. Reasons why you should start? All their songs are so contagious. This particular one here has not failed to make me feel like dancing. They are fresh meat from the US, with song titles resembling those of Fall Out Boy's with all their super long song titles (eg. There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey. You Just Haven't Figured It Out Yet. and Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off), all of which aren't even mentioned in the song lyrics. Their songs tell stories, something which I admire in songwriters. Do give them a listen especially if you like the likes of Anberlin, etc. ;)

Eh, don't blame me for promoting them. I was only doing what they told me to do. Like they told me in their song, London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines,

"well, we're just a wet dream for the webzine,
make us it, make us hip, make us scene,
or shrug us off your shoulders,
don't approve a single word that we wrote". Don't worry guys. I approve. ;)

PS. The song I've included here is the only song on their album with a short title.

PPS. Their whole album is fantastic.

PPPS. Quote from Big Hassle "Warning: Panic! At The Disco is not a trend. Prepare accordingly."

happy birthday to my little baby

I just realised that Guilty Secrets is now 1 year and 2 days old!

Whoa.

death, language, education

I'm supposed to be studying, but I'm not. I'm starting to fall asleep so I'm taking a break by blogging and hopefully I would be more awake by the end of this post. I don't drink coffee, see. =) I'm afraid to go online on MSN cos I know I might get caught up chatting and totally forget about my work. Well, what shall we talk about then?

I've always wondered, suppose someone close to you passes away.. and you got people coming up to you, saying how sorry they are to hear about it. What are you supposed to say back? "It's okay" just seems very out of place. Just a random thought. I wouldn't really know what to say either.

My mind's at a complete blank. I've nothing interesting to say nor to share. I guess I'll just rant. Ah, I feel like I'm losing my grasp of the english language. Everyday, I feel like I'm forgetting the language more and more. Pretty soon, I won't be able to communicate at all. I could probably start using Malay or Hokkien to communicate but I'm terrible at those languages. So, I have decided that one of my new year's resolution would be to be more articulate. It's frustrating, this feeling like I'm losing something more and more each day. Everyday, I find myself trying to explain something and I would just stop, because I can't think of the word to use although that word is right on the tip of my tongue. It's rather depressing, really.

Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of leaning disability. Nah, maybe not. Sigh. Maybe I do. I can never focus long on my books. Unless it's something really interesting. I know I was really bad in school when I was young. I barely even remember what went on in the classroom. Most of the time, I just didn't get it. School was just someplace I had to go in the morning. I barely paid any attention in class cos I was always distracted by one thing or another.

Sitting still in class was another problem. I still have that problem. Try leaving me in a chair and watch me shift positions countless times every few seconds. I had terrible social skills. I was so shy that I was quiet almost all the time. I bullied the boys in my class. I don't know what for either. Maybe I used to know, but now I've forgotten. I'm just glad that most of them have forgiven me. I know from how they would comment, "Hey Kim! Remember me? You used to bully me so much that......." They have no idea how sorry I feel for them. I still have terrible social skills. I'm still shy. Though not as much as before. It's a work in progress. So.. if ever you see me, and I maybe look away from you, don't think that I'm being rude and too proud to say hi. I'm just too shy. It's not healthy, really.

Anyways, I know I just never got it. I never understood. I was so dumb and stupid. In the end, I had to be put in special classes. It was so humiliating. I hated it so much. Then one day, a light came on. A light which helped shed some light on things and helped me find a way. I just finally understood. I understood maths. I understood malay. I understood science. That damn electrician sure took his time!! It was weird, really. It was just so sudden. I don't know if other kids grow up the same way as I did.. but I know that that's what happened with me.

I still remember once, when I was young, I was sitting on my parent's bed, trying to do my maths homework. My mom noticed that I was struggling with it and she tried to help. But I was so stubborn, I wanted to do it alone. I ended up crying. Cried until I got tired and fell asleep. Woke up the next day with my homework all done. My parents helped finish it for me.

My mother mentioned last year that when I was young, I used to hate going to school and I would fight and scream and cry cos I did not want to go. She said it was cos of a teacher that hit me. The teacher hit me on my head and after that day, I never wanted to go back to school. Then my parents got that teacher fired. Hah! Too bad I don't remember anything about it at all.

However, by the end of secondary school, I was thought of as one of the smart, bright ones. Although I felt very much average and never good enough. Isn't it funny how a girl who once had to attend special classes ended up the way she did?

When university started, her world started caving in again. She could quite possibly be one of the worst students in the university. She's wasting her parents money and she knows it. She tries, but she doesn't try very hard. She's dependent and without someone to push her, she would never make it. It's not something she is very proud of either. She's trying to change all that. Hopefully, she would be able to make it.

She prays for people like her, cos she knows how hard it is to get through life with what she's been through. She knows that there are others who have given up for much much less. Pray for her, please?

redneck mark

This is a little story about Redneck Mark's life adventures.













------------------------------

This is what Mark and I got up to last night after coming home from dinner. Giggling like little kids, sneaking in and out of the kitchen smuggling ingredients, posing for pictures, discussing what we should do with the pictures by the end of it. What you see is the end product, with Mark as the model, and me as the editor. Heheheh..

My brother Aaron was in the room at the time as well and kept looking over at us and shaking his head sadly. What's up with that?? Hehehe.

Hope you all enjoy our moment of stupidity as much as we did. =) I should say that it's quality time well spent. Haha.

------------------------------

framed glasses, syok sendiri

Framed glasses! Geddit?? Geddit?? Geddit???! Hahahahahahahaha!!

been studying, sorta

Sigh. Stressed.

apparently, the world hates me

No, apparently, I've just been tagged, again. By a certain Miss Luxferi. How random. I guess she's just decided to let her presence be known. Yes, I've noticed that there was link to my blog from yours for quite some time now. How it got there... entahlah. Maybe one day she would be kind enough to share. *hint hint* This is gonna be my second meme, ever.

This time round, they're telling me that I have to write an entry that's in between 100-200 words! With some very special words in it, so special that they could only be used once! The magic words:

1. I
2. me
3. blowjob
4. grapes
5. random
6. power
7. loneliness
8. water
9. robot
10. blue

------------------------------


She was leaning forward on the kitchen counter with a glass of water in her hands. Suddenly, the lights in the kitchen went off. She tensed up as she heard someone coming up behind her. She felt someone then pressing up against her. He, yes, it was definitely a him, started rubbing her suggestively.

She turned around and as soon as she did, he started kissing her passionately. As soon as they stopped, she said, “You sure are being random today.. I wasn’t expecting this at all.”

“Shh, don’t talk.. was just lonely.. and only you have the power to cure the loneliness in a man.” He then proceeded to unbutton her shirt, revealing her bra “Oh baby, you tease, you know that blue’s my favourite colour…”

Seconds later, they were both naked on the kitchen counter, his fingers inside her, with her moaning. When she’s climaxed, he stops and says to her, “Give me a blowjob.”

In awhile, she was sucking on him like she’s been missing him for years. She wanted him to moan for her. She gave him a grape-juice moose as he came.

He was still breathing heavily when she asked him if he wanted to come again to which he replied, “You think so easy like robot, ah?”


------------------------------

There, it's been edited.

I know.. I wrote over the limit, again, but pfft.. call me a rebel, call me what you will. Hmph!


So, who's next?

- W a n i D u c k i e (You just always have such an interesting perspective on things)
- Lil Butterfly (Let's see how creative media students are, eh?)
- Saru-Kun (I love the way you write)
- SubKi||er (Call it payback)
- Attention Seeker (I also love the way you write)

Have fun, guys!!!

pre-examination stress

what happened, not exactly

Well, what happened? Wait, first of all, I did not talk to my mom upon someone's request. Someone thought that it would've just made things worse if I did. So I didn't do it.

What happened.. now how do I explain this without giving too much away.. Well, let's just say this, my family over in Seremban did not give Mark a very good first impression. What they did? I shouldn't say. I'm just disappointed in what they did. They had no good reason for it either. Let bygones by bygones.

Mark was just very upset and unhappy about the whole situation considering the fact that he had travelled all the way down to Seremban by train just to meet them. Let's just say that it goes deeper than that but I don't think I should tell it right now. If ever I would be allowed to tell it.

I just wanted Mark to like them, and to have them adore him which I'm sure they will once they've gotten to know him better.

Anyway, don't you just hate it when people say stuff like,
"I'll talk to you later." or
"I'll call you later." or
"Come here. I need to talk to you." or
anything else of the sort? And they don't say it with a smile.. they just look so stern.. and they say it so solemnly.. that it just makes you feel like you're in the deepest shit you can think of.. or that they're just gonna start screaming your ears off about something wrong you did.

I really hate it when people say that to me. I seriously start feeling so guilty for something, but I don't know what!! Not to mention how scared I also feel. Well, guess what, Mark said it to me when I saw him at the airport just now when I went to pick up my brother, Aaron. He might still be upset. I'm just really hoping not. The whole time after that and up till now, I'm wondering if I did something so very wrong.. and I'm not exactly looking forward to his phone call.

I don't think I've done anything wrong.. but I can't help but feel this way whenever someone says that to me. If ever anyone of you needs to talk to me, but later? Just tell me what it is you need to talk to me about.. or just assure me that it's nothing bad. Unless of course you all wanna just give me anxiety attacks then fine.

That's it for tonight, folks.

my face tastes of saline, chuckle

I've calmed down.. some what.

Sigh. Waiting for morning to come.. then I can talk to my mom.

2005 was hell. 2006 is not looking too good for me either.

Sigh. I'm so sorry.

I'm all tired out from crying. My face feels sticky from all the tears that streamed down it.

Do tears somehow ruins your skin the way stress does?

Sorry, just had a facial yesterday. Wondering if it was just gonna be 100 bucks down the drain.

Well, whatever. I'm definitely stressed.

Goodnight, everyone.

stupid/disappointed

The last post was somewhat hard to write cos of what I'm going through right now.

Crying so badly. I'm feeling so upset, so guilty, so sorry, so angry, so disappointed. So very disappointed.

I'm disappointed in my family. Not my immediate family. Not yet anyway. I might be in the morning, when I find out what's going on.

I'm so very angry. I feel like truly mangling someone up but there's no one around besides me.

FUCK. I HATE THIS.

I thought they were better than that! I thought they were GOOD people. I thought they were capable of CARING. Apparently NOT.

IDIOTIC FUCKTARDS.

All they fucking care about is themselves. FUCK. What the hell happened?!

Why did it have to turn out this way. You stupid Friday the 13th. Hate hate hate hate hate!!! Aaarggghhh!!!!!

Sobbing mess, all cos of this. I'm trying to study, GODDAMMIT!!!! Tell me, how am I supposed to study when I can barely see anything through these eyes??!?!!!?!

Biting my tongue and my lips to try stop crying. Cry cry cry, I'm such a stupid weakling.

I'm gonna confront my mother about this tomorrow morning. If she doesn't try to fix this, which is really all her fault anyway!! I'm staying in my room! And I'm not coming out. TO HELL WITH THOSE VIOLIN LESSONS.

Geez, and I was looking forward to all that too. STUPID. It's just all too stupid.

Feel like flipping someone off. But again, there's no one around.

FUCK. TELL ME THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!!!!!!

damn you, subkiller

Apparently, I've been tagged. And by some unseen blogger law, I must comply by writing out whatever it is I have to write and then tagging others as well. Apparently, this is also called a meme. Anyway, this is all SubKi||er's fault. Damn lazy to think of how to answer bah...


First of all, remove the blog in the no.1 spot from the following list and push everyone up one place. Then add your own blog to the bottom spot.


1. Che-Cheh
2. Alex Allied
3. Clueless Dream
4. Planet SubKi||er
5. Guilty Secrets


Then, answer the following questions :


What was I doing 10 years back:
Being 9. Being a total kampung kid. I remember chasing a rat in school. I recall bullying a friend to give me his work cos I never did my schoolwork. I remember going to a nursery owned by a family friend after school cos we (my brother and I) didn't have anyone else to look after us. I know I never did any homework.. I bullied my brother a lot.. All I cared about was playing. Always outside in the yard, playing around. All in all, I wasn't a very good kid back then.

What was I doing 1 year back:
Still not being a very good kid.

5 snacks I enjoy:
- Skittles
- Chocolate
- Ice-cream
- Juice (considered snack also lah)
- Kacang putih

5 song I know all the lyrics off my head right now:
- Dishwalla - Every little thing
- Anberlin - Naive Orleans
- Vendetta Red - The Banshee Ballet
- Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
- Anberlin - Cadance

5 things I would do if I'm a millionaire:
- Invest
- Share it with family, bring friends out for swanky dinner. ;)
- Go on a total shopping spree and buy some expensive stuff. (What kinda expensive stuff? Well, I don't know. I'm kinda spoilt for choice here. I mean, I'm suddenly rich.)
- Persue the several odd dream here and there.
- Donate. (If there's enough left over)

5 bad habits:
- Bad posture?
- Being lazy.
- Procrastinating.
- Never learning from my mistakes. Being very hard headed.
- Loving fully and sincerely..

5 things I love to do:
- Put on some music, lie down, close my eyes, and relax.
- Hang out with some good company. =)
- Blogging.
- Enjoy some good food/book.
- Travel.

5 things you would never wear, buy or get new again:
- This dress I once had which looked like a sack. Yuck.
- Basically, my clothes from childhood.
- All my old spectacles/glasses
- Err... the haircuts I had when I was a kid?
- A bikini?

5 favourite "toys":
- Handphones
- Laptops/Desktops
- Gaming consoles
- Digital cameras
- Actual toys

Then you select 5 people to pass it on to:
- Attention Seeker (Because you really need to update your blog, gal.)
- Wani @ 1e (... simply because.)
- Lil Butterfly (Saje saje.)
- Nadia (Cos you were the last person to write in my tagboard.)
- Jasmine (Punishment for changing your blogs too many times and also for saying that you always wanna stop blogging.)


Have fun, y'all.

the sound of reality sinking in

My Hello isn't working. So I haven't been able to continue posting my pictures lately. =( Sad sad. Can't torture you people with my vacation photos. Hahaha. Technology is so interesting. The other day, some family friends were over at our place. Remember the days when we used films in our cameras instead of memory cards and how after a vacation, we'd have some friends over and we'd take out the old album and start showing off all our vacation photos which none of our friends are really interested in anyway?

Well, now it's possible for anyone of us to just hook up our pictures onto our wide screen TVs when our friends are over and torture them so much more easily!! Ahahahahaha.

Moving on... why aren't any of you guys updating your blogs?! Don't you realise how bored I am?? Don't you all know that you're supposed to be entertaining me with all your funny stories and witty comments? Oh gawd, I sound like a first class diva. Next thing you know, I'll be ordering you over to my house with some freshly made pizza in tow and I'll be making you feed me grapes while I blogged about how luxurious my life is. So! I would like a large plain cheese pizza with extra cheese and don't forget to pick up some seedless grapes on your way over here!! Hey, I did warn you that that was what you were gonna hear next! Hahaha.

Mark's in KL for a couple of job interviews. I hate being stuck here!! Wish I could follow him over as well.. then while he's having his interviews, I could be hanging out with a couple of friends over a drink or something. Ah, something I didn't do while I was over there myself a couple of weeks back. Mostly cos I was held back by family and I wasn't really staying in the city itself anyway. Boo.. and he was telling me how nice his hotel room was and all that. :cry:

But ahhhh... hotel room beds are soooooo soft and fluffy and comfy and cool.... :drools: Grr. I feel like just going over to Marriot just to sleep tonight. Ahahaa! But lonely. Nevermind. But lately I've been having this craving to relax in a bathtub. We don't have a bathtub anymore back home. =( We used to have one, but that was before we renovated. Emily is sad.

Anyways, he's gonna be having 2 job interviews tomorrow. Hoping that all goes well. =) Then after that, he's probably gonna take the train down to Seremban to stay the night with some family that I got there. Shocking, no?? He's gonna be staying over with some family and he's gonna be meeting some of them for the first time. And I won't even be there! But it's okay, at least Aaron and Greg are there to take care of him.

People have been commenting that Mark's almost like an in-law already. I actually agree! The other night, I was chatting to my brother, Aaron, online, just telling him the plans with Mark and about him going to KL and all that. Then my brother commented.

Aaron: Wah! He like in-law already ah?
Me: If so, no one told me. :-/

Mark thinks that my mom's gonna try to get him to marry me next. :faints: The way she's been acting, I don't blame him. But.... despite the way my parents have been acting, I don't think they'd go that far.. I think. Yes.. despite the way my mom keeps asking about him.. despite the way my parents went up to bed early last night (at 9pm!!! shocking!!) and left both Mark and I alone downstairs, unsupervised.. and despite the way my mom's being so overly friendly with him.. despite the way she lets me go out with him when I have so much trouble just going out with a couple of friends!

Waaarrrgghhhhhh!!! That was the sound of reality sinking in, my dear friends.

Goodnight.

that wasn't supposed to happen

*beep beep, beep beep* Looks over to the phone that was vibrating on the mousepad. Picks it up and presses some buttons to read the message that she just received. What?? Wait... today is... and... I forgot?? He remembered and I forgot?? Wait.. aren't I suppose to be the girl in this relationship? Aren't I the one who was supposed to drag him through hell if he forgot? And here I am.. forgetting? Oh, cripes..

*smiles mysteriously*

position available

Blogging again for the sake of nothing. You all know friendster, right? Of course you do! Well, recently, out of the blue, random people have been adding and messaging me on friendster! Not that I'm bragging or anything.. cos I'm not. And it's scary. Like, why this sudden boom?? Like, what?! My profile is nothing interesting, I haven't even updated anything in months. I still have one of those default URLs. My "About Me" must be at least a few years old by now.

Fact is, I don't even use it much. So why now? Weird.

I wanna approve these people cos I feel bad.. and like, what if I really do know them and it's just that I forgot??? I haven't really had time to filter out my friend requests. Last I checked, there are 115 pending requests..

But I don't wanna approve them either cos I don't want my friendster account to become like some bullshit account where most of the people in your friends list are not actually your friends!! For example, my myspace account! But then again, most myspace accounts are bullshit anyway. So it's okay that my account there is a bullshit one too. Hehe.

I want my friendster to have my real friends. But.. what if you make friends with all those people? Hmmm. We'll see. Maybe I would do that. Then I won't feel so bad. But all 115 of them? And possibly more?? (Cause they may be some that have just messaged me first before requesting to be my friend) Here's proof (see right). Btw, I usually reply to every single message I get (except for useless forwarded messages, which I delete. Heh heh) and then save my sent messages so I'd know how many I have replied and what not. So, from the diagram, it's easy to see that I have about 300 plus messages that I haven't read nor replied.

Hey, maybe.. Is someone out there playing some really elaborate practical joke on me?? :'( It's not funny, ok? =( It's pretty amazing, I must admit! But seriously. Hahaha. Would anyone even go to such lengths for me?? I doubt it. So that can't be it.

Ah well. Eh, anyone kind enough to be my secretary for friendster? You could sort through my mail, filter out my friend requests, maybe even reply some of my messages! I'll even pay you! In (cereal flakes/dandruff flakes/eraser waste/fish bones/(things of equal or lower value)) that is. =) Anyone?

Actually, the real reason why I'm blogging about this is to find out if anyone else other than me also kena this sorta thing recently so that I'd know that it's not just me. Please let it be not just me.. =(

for all my girls

Do you really believe that the pictures of girls you see in magazines are real? Is it really possible for everyone in those magazines to be so perfect? It's possible, but most of the time, that's not how it is. But why is it that they look the way they do? Click here and be liberated.

You're beautiful the way you are. As long as you're beautiful on the inside, it will show on the outside. If that's still not good enough for you, there's always photoshop. Hahaha.

Click to Girlpower.se for more feel good stuff. =)

life goes on without you

Anberlin - Naive Orleans



Artist: Anberlin
Title: Naive Orleans
Album: Blueprints for the Black Market
Year: 2003

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around

Is this the way you want it?
Is this the way it has to be?
Sitting here beside you
But my heart's lost in New Orleans
Dreams come clever
Hearts now severed
Difference of forever
And I am lost there

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud

Download the song.

picking up the pieces

How do you treat your exs when you are over them?

Do you hate them indefinitely?

Do you just regard them as a friend no matter how bad the relationship was?

Do you feel thankful knowing you've come out of the relationship a better person?

I for one, would regard them as friends and I would also be thankful for ever having them in my life. I always thought that others would treat their exs the same way.

I've just been wondering cos Rafie said to me the other day, "I just realised how I wasted 6 months on you." Ouch, I know.

Maybe he said it to hurt me more although he claims to have gotten over me. Well, I do believe I'm over him, finally. =) I'm with a better person now.

Anyway, I never said anything back to hurt him. I'm better than that. I'm not about to stoop to such petty levels. Not anymore.

I don't think I would ever feel that I wasted my time on someone by just being with them for a long time only to find out that the relationship just didn't work out in the end. I guess there's just this certain number you have to hit before you find that one person. Some may be lucky on their first try, some may not be as lucky.

It's funny, and so contradictory, how he was the one who started that conversation that day. Haha. And he says that he's the one who wasted 6 months on me. Hahaha. And there he is wasting a day more!

Well, fie, go ahead and be cold towards me. I'll be fine. I've been to hell and back. Months of depression where every single day was an endless struggle to get through where I prayed to God to end my life. It's finally stopped, and you don't like it.

If ever you loved me, you'll be happy for me. As I am for you. Despite how absolutely fucked up my life is right now. It'd take a lot for me to fix everything. Not like you know what life's been like ever since you left.

Yes, I'm in the deepest shit you can probably imagine right now. Okay, maybe not that deep.. Come up a little higher. Yeah, there. It's something I've been keeping quiet about until recently. Who knows, you may find out about it soon enough. It's not something to be proud of. I certainly am not proud of myself. Ashamed would be the better word.

I kept quiet about it for so long that it started eating me inside. So I finally told someone about it. Was apprehensive about making my confession because I was so afraid that he would end up hating me and thinking I was stupid. But thank God, he didn't. He understood, although I don't know how much he did.

By the end of my confession, I was a sobbing mess but he still told me how proud he was of me and comforted me. I may not believe him completely but I'm glad that it was him I told.

I'm not as strong as I used to be. Yes, fie, you did that. Are you proud of yourself? Someone you once called strong, someone you once loved for her ability to be strong for herself, someone you once admired for her independence, you broke her down. You shattered her into a million pieces and only now does she manage to start picking all the pieces up. She'd make it, eventually.

Time does heal all wounds after all.

singapore

Packing

The day that we were supposed to leave for Singapore (16th December) was the day that I started packing. Saddened by the fact that Mark would not be able to make it for this trip, I delayed my packing so that I would be able to spend more time with him. Chewah. Haha. So I only started packing at 1am, (just being the procrastinator that I know I am) and finished packing an hour later. Amazingly! I thought I would've taken more time than that!! Slept and was then woken up by my mother banging on my door at 7am? Called Mark to say bye and then it was off to the airport! Of course, I showered and all that before leaving lah!!!


My sister, Andy and I, in the car, on the way to the airport.


The journey over


This is the executive lounge at Miri Airport.


Barry and I, sharing a seat belt in the airplane. Safety first!


Kuching Airport's executive lounge. (Miri's was way better. Heh heh heh.)


Listening to the iPod while at the lounge.


Bye bye, Kuching!!


Au revoir, Kuching!


Some pictures require no words.


Look at all the pretty clouds.


Heaven's plains.


Airplane food.


Selamat datang ke Singapura.


Phroar, Singapore!


I take very pretty pictures. One of the golf courses in Singapore.


It winked at me. As if saying, "Welcome to Singapore!" Damn, you won't feel welcomed till you hear it from a building.


Duh Crib

I stayed at my aunt's place in a condominium called Lucky Towers. Lucky or not, I'm not too sure. But that place sure is lucky enough to have a great view.







Those are what you might see living on the 19th floor of a condominium. ;)

Oh, and check it, my cousin's rig! That's ghetto geek speak for "Check out my cousin's computer"


That's Greg playing WoW (World of Warcraft) on my cousin, Alex's (the one on the floor with Andy sitting next to him), computer.


The Streets of Singapore

A few hours after arriving in Singapore and already my cousins drag me out. Not that I'm complaining. Just wished Mark could've been around. We all took a cab to go over to Far East Plaza where we all went to pay a visit to Inoki, this CD store which sells second hand CDs, new CDs, posters, t-shirts, and all that jazz. It could be a rocker's paradise. Then we went down to the basement to buy some food for my cousin who slept through lunch. Muahaha.


The cousin that slept through lunch, Min.


Art on the Streets of Singapore

That day, there were artworks being displayed all along the walkway. For some awareness thing, but I forgot what it was. =( What I liked about it other than the beauty of the pictures was how they displayed the artwork so that the blind would be able to see them and not miss out. The artwork displayed were photographs of the world. The amazing, the unusual, the special, basically, the beauty of our earth.





In the pictures above, you'll see a black and white picture, those are carvings made from the original picture (the one towards the left) so that the blind may be able to feel and see the pictures. There were descriptions about the pictures provided in I'm-not-too-sure-what-language-that-one-is, English, and braille.

More artworks being displayed:








Seperated

After that, everyone basically split up. Greg and Alex both went off to a Cyber Cafe, Min went off with her friends, which leaves both Aaron and I alone. So! We decided to go check out Toys 'R' Us. Awww.. we're all still little kids on the inside.


Aaron and I played dress up. Ahahahahaha! :blush:

After that, we all made our way back to Borders where we had all agreed to meet up at for dinner. Had chinese.


The Nutcracker

I don't know about you guys, but I'm up to trying anything at least just once. All except those life threatening diseases such as AIDS or HIV. Heh heh. So I went together with my mom, Andy, and Grace to see a ballet at Esplanade on Sunday, the 18th of December. We went to watch The Nutcracker. =)



We weren't allowed to take any pictures while the ballet was going on so that's the only good shot I managed to take before the show begun. How was it? It was fine. The costumes, the set, the dancers, they were all fantastic. But overall, it was just fine to me.

Esplanade is a really cool building which frankly looks like humongous durians. Luckily, the place didn't smell like durians which was a good thing, I suppose. Cos durians that size would most likely stink up the whole of Singapore!


Esplanade


And durians! Oooohh... yummy... yum yum yum.


Inside Esplanade.


Outside Esplanade. Isn't the view just great? Can you spot the Merlion?


Stupid Random Shots

This is what you get when you mix boredom, stupidity, and a digicam altogether. Some stupid random shots.


Bunny love!! Sho cuteeeee...


Rather amusing name for a shop. Should check it out sometime, eh eh eh?? ;)


Singapore is just so damn crowded. I dislike crowds. Grr!!


Aww.. isn't this one just adorable?


Freak. Who says I can't still play around in department stores. I'm still young at heart, you know?


This is what you call poop.


Books galore! Isn't this just a fantastic shot?


That's my brother, Jason. Heh heh heh.


There's a fly on your head, Greg, don't move!!


In the act of kicking my brother out of the window.


Chatting up James Dean.

And oh no, it doesn't just stop there. There's a video as well!